Monday, December 31, 2007

The Last Post For 2007

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While most of us would be bidding farewell to 2007 on a happy note, cherishing all the good moments that the year presented, I would not be joining that bandwagon. 2007 saw the lowest points of my life.


It is the only year so far that makes me feel wasted. It is the year that saw stagnation to my growth, the year that gave me agonising pain, the year that made me feel insecure, the year that questioned my believes on true friendships, the year that raised doubts on my capabilities, the year that proved the decisions I took were fatal, the year that gave me unrealized hopes, the year that made me frequently ponder about the purpose of my life.

Through the throes, I was given a new vision to see this world. It was no longer colourful. It was no longer pleasant. My rosy eyes had to be shut. My heart bled understanding the reality. New realizations emerged from the ashes. And the way I see this world would never be the same again. Even then I am holding on to the words that Oprah once said, "That which does not kill us makes us stronger." (Originally said by Friedrich Nietzsche.)

I know I should count my blessings instead of brooding. But my mind is chaotic as I turn my back on 2007 and welcome 2008 into my life.

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Saturday, December 29, 2007

Another Shout Out!

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Although pretty much nothing exciting is happening on my side (that just explains why this blog is seeing less of my personal life nowadays), I am once again happy to make another shout out. Erik has selected Crazy Sam's Bloginess as one of the gay blogs he found interesting in 2007. In his blog, Best Gay Bloggers, his post links back to the one in which I describe my very first coming out experience. Thank you so much Erik!

To all my readers out there, I am very much grateful for all the support you guys are giving me. Hugs!!


Click here to read the Best Gay Bloggers post.


Check out these related posts too!
Yet Another Shout Out!
A Shout Out!
Blog Reviewed

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Sunday, December 23, 2007

Mambo Italiano

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God! I Luuurrved this movie! From the moment you hear the narration of Angelo's life from his pre-born days to the present when he talks to the guy at the Gay Helpline, you will know that you are guaranteed to have a fun time till the end. Angelo is gay and closeted who happens to be bestowed with parents who act crazy all the time (which is real fun!), a sister who goes to the anxious mode every now and then and a hunky (and yummy) boyfriend who feels insecure about his sexuality. Together they all present to you, what I can say, one of the funniest movies I have ever seen. The dialogues are so witty and f**king hilarious!

Angelo: There is no fate worse than being gay and Italian.

All the lead actors have got some attraction factor which makes you sit there like a moth attracted to the flame. Angelo (Luke Kirby) is cute and has got beautiful eyes which I was gazing the whole time whenever his scene came up. His boyfriend Nino (Peter Miller), handsome and smoking good body! His face reminded me of my first crush. The Gay Helpline guy, Peter (Tim Post) is cute too and clearly he possesses the voice that could blossom romance even in the coldest of hearts. And I especially loved the boy (Michael Romano) who played Angelo's younger days - loved his smiles.

Luke Kirby is beautiful.

Mambo Italiano is a perfect movie to watch if you want something lighthearted after the day's tiresome chores.

Check out these related posts too!
Bhool Bhulaiyaa
Chak De! India
A Love To Hide

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Wednesday, December 19, 2007

A Shout Out!

4 comments

I am happy to announce that the guys at LMGTS (LetMeGetThisStraight.Com) found Crazy Sam's Bloginess worthy to be mentioned in one of their posts. Thank you guys! I was totally surprised and honoured when I saw that post. I am glad to know that people are liking what I am writing. It is always a boost to your ego at a time when you see other blogs which you feel are far more superior and you question yourself, "If people are used to reading such quality stuffs, would they be liking mine?" So this just proves that you guys can tolerate what I am dishing out here. Lol!


Click here to read the LMGTS post.

Check out these related posts too!
Yet Another Shout Out!
Another Shout Out!
Blog Reviewed

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Friday, December 14, 2007

Amorously, Sam

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Don't know whether it is because I listened to too many love songs, but I am feeling romantic. A hope that something good is bound to happen. The whole day, the dreamer in me was feeling happy for some unknown reason. Rarely do I care to buy albums from music stores. "Tera Mera Pyaar" (Mine And Your Love) happens to be one of them. A nice romantic album capturing every colour of the romance. The songs are definitely worth hearing again and again. It's been 3 years since I bought it and I play it even this day. Some how I don't feel tired of hearing it, but still remains fresh every time I listen to it.

What you see in the music video below is actually the picturization of one of my dreams! How would you feel when you go to the movies or cafe and you find that special person that makes your heart skip a beat! How lucky would you feel when you get to know that strange connection is felt by the other person too? Would you desire him or her to be yours? What happens next? Is this something destined for eternity or is it just an infatuation? So many questions and the answers seem hidden. You feel like you are in a trance and you don't want to escape from it. "Tera Mera Pyaar" emotes all these feelings bringing life to my dreams.




The song I like most is the second one from the album, the one sung by Shreya Goshal, "Yeh Kya Hua" (What Has Happened?) and the story continues. It's special for various reasons. The very soothing voice of Shreya makes you want to listen to it again and again. The song captures the budding phase of romance, where the souls question themselves whether they have actually fallen in the so called "love", the nervousness of where this could lead to and the hope that this romance lasts forever. Perfect for anyone who wishes to hear a soft melodic tune, it always has a rejuvenating effect on me. The video is so beautifully and artistically taken.




And what can I say about the romantic duo! Both are stunningly gorgeous! A sure treat for the eyes.. Well, my eyes are always after the hunk. (Naturally!)


A little googling and I found out the name of the hunk. Bhanujeet Sudan. He has got the looks and the body and then something else (is that we call the 'it factor?') which makes me go crazy about him. Anyways, he is definitely my boyfriend type and in my dreams he has my heart!

Check out these related posts too!
Hunk Alert

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Sunday, December 2, 2007

More Blah!

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Warning: This post and the below one were originally written together, that's why both have the pompous taste. If you don't like pretentious talking, you should not read them.

Phoebe tells me that I shouldn't be worried about finding the right guy, that he will find me. In fact I too like the feel of it, gives me the role of a hidden gem waiting to be discovered.
:p Today I just wanted to see how the guys at the gay-dating site would respond to my new look (Enough of your look already! We get it, you became invincible!) And the result was comforting. Those people who earlier rejected me, this time actually found me worthy to proceed. Well, I know there is no need to be surprised. Looks do play a crucial role in this hunting game. But as X points out in Boy Culture,
there is so much energy put into cruising, socialization, fashion, months at the gym ... and finally you get laid.. and never hear from the f**ker again. Then you invest all your energy and money back into grooming, working out, making yourself perfect again for the next leg.


It's like everyone is out there in search for that perfect specimen. And most seems to be not getting that. And very lucky few gets the strength to look past those facades, to accept the real person behind it. My story is somewhat different. I get to interact with three classes of people.

1. The guy has got good looks, but not appearing to have the same wavelength.
2. The guy is of the same wavelength, but scores poor in the looks department.

By now, you must be thinking this must be everyone's situation. Wait, you haven't read the third.

3. The guy has got good looks, same wavelength. (A rare blend!) But then he f**king leaves the country!

Ask my stars and they would agree. Seriously! Someone is really having a blast, playing games on me.


Nowadays whenever I feel the guy in question is of the third kind, I just ask him, "You are soon going to fly, right?" And I don't ever believe in long distance relationships. God bless those souls who were in such situation and made it through or are currently going through such a phase. But I'm not comfortable with the idea of long distance relationship. Nope, it is simply not meant for me.

Check out these related posts too!
Have You Got What It Takes?
The Mostly Unfabulous Social Life Of Crazy Sam

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The Blah!

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The wedding went fine. For me this was nothing like I've ever attended because the wedding had a mix of Northern and Southern cultures put into it. I was actually planning to surprise everyone on the wedding day about the new look, but had to give away the suspense on the night before the wedding itself. As you see in Hindi movies, the night was filled with music and dance. I had a wonderful time, because everyone's attention was on me. They were all just in awe seeing me. During 'Dhoom Again' and 'Dard-E-Disco', I really got the chance to show off. My moves dumbfounded many and some asked me whether I had previously learnt the dance. Truth to be told, the only sessions I had were those that I do daily in front of my comp with the speakers blasting at their maximum. And most of the steps are so gay that could dizzy my parents if they ever see me performing. (Put me some Britney tunes and you'll see what I mean.) So I was taking extra-caution not to make those queer moves during the celebration. But all in all, I loved the attention.


Next day, I emerged out wearing the sherwani and I looked damn good (or should I say, I looked fabulous!) I asked the wedding photographer to take some snaps of me. And he was like, he was about to tell me that. In my opinion, only a professional photographer can make me look good. I not at all photograph well. I might be getting a decent one only after clicking 50 or 60 snaps. Seriously! It's like I'm not meant to be filmed, but to be seen in real. But the most frustrating part is when I take photos of others, they become exceptionally good! How unfair is that!

Check out these related posts too!
Loving My New Look

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Thursday, November 22, 2007

Loving My New Look

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When my parents came home that night, the look on their face was priceless! Mother exclaimed, "This is not my son!" And my father had a grin on his face. He didn't say anything but I could see what he was thinking, "Was there any need to have this done?" Although I know the style is quite out of fashion, getting my curly hair to be straightened was a dream that I was yearning all these years. A year before, when I exposed my desire to the styler, he looked at me and said, "Not possible, not enough length!" Damn! That time, I allowed him to cut my hair short.


This time, I decided to fulfill that wish and I had been growing my hair for the past 6 months. Yeah towards the end of it, I looked really atrocious with the enormous bush that's crowned on my head. I wanted to get this done before the wedding that I mentioned earlier. One of my uncle hinted, "I heard you are going to cut your hair." I told him that I never said that. Obviously everyone is worried that I might screw up the wedding pictures. During the final days before the visit to the hairdresser, daily I used to measure the length using a scale and I wasn't pleased. I didn't want to hear one more "not enough length" statement. (Anyone thinking naughty? :p) So imagine my joy when he checked my hair and said, "Yeah, it can be done."

So after four hours of treatment that featured application of chemicals, ironing, moisturizers and blow-drying, I got that wish seen in action. Yeha! I got the new look and I'm loving it!! I love the way everyone gets a shock when they look at me expecting the usual. It is so hilarious!! Can't wait to give that shock to my relatives at the wedding. People have been giving me mixed reactions. For some, they are totally liking the change and for the others, they preferred the old Sam. They say that I have lost that innocent look, now I have more of a cruel one. Even though I am loving all the attention that I am getting, one thing I am concerned about is my hair has become really thin! And I have to be really careful while washing it. Special shampoo, special moisturizer, hair serum.. God! I am now spending more than 15 minutes on my hair!! And it is seriously hurting my macho-feelings.


Personally I would not recommend hair-straightening to anyone. Google it to know the pros and cons. But if you are so hell-bent like me, then never ever try to do it yourself. Professionals need to be doing that, that's why they are trained. Also your hair needs special care after that like for a newborn, see what I am stuck with!

Check out these related posts too!
The Blah!

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Friday, November 16, 2007

Bhool Bhulaiyaa

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Whoever said Bhool Bhulaiyaa rocks must not have seen its original version, ‘Manichithrathazhu’. I normally don’t watch Hindi movies from Priyadarshan. But what raised my curiosity to see Bhool Bhulaiyaa was, it had my all time favourite, Vidya Balan. Knowing that she is handling the core role made me even more inquisitive to see how she matches with Shobana, who acted Vidya’s part (To say, Vidya acted Shobana’s part would be more appropriate) in the original Malayalam version of the movie.

The gifted bharathanatyam dancer and actor, Shobana.

I still remember those days, years before when I was in school. It was a routine that on the evening of the last day of my exams, I and my parents would go out for movie and dinner. I loved those evenings. I used to feel such a relief, because I no longer have to worry about the studies, the exams are over and going out with my parents in our car to the city used to be a big deal for me. I would be so excited that during the drive I would practically talk non-stop while my parents sitting in the front suffer my gibbers. I saw Manichithrathazhu on one such similar occasion.

I didn’t have any clue what the movie was about. It first started out to be a funny one with occasional odd moments that were kinda freaky. And as the movie progressed, the freakiness started to compound. How scared I felt! And the acting? Topnotch! Mohanlal gave one of his best shots and I don't have enough words to comment on Shobana’s performance. I was amazed to see how efficaciously she was able to reach the different levels of the character and only someone who is highly proficient can consummate such a complex role. No wonder she bagged that year’s National Film Award for best actress! (in 1993)

Shobana in 'Manichithrathazhu'.

Today, I got the DivX print of Bhool Bhulaiyaa and I wasn’t going to see the whole movie. Already had enough bad experiences from Priyadarshan’s movies (or should I say re-makes??) I just wanted to see Vidya’s performance. I think she is one of the very few talented actresses in Bollywood. So I skipped to the prominent parts. But sad to say, even she couldn’t do justice to the role. I felt like, she was not really getting into the character. I can’t believe that I am saying this about her, but to me what she portrayed to be vehement actually seemed funny. And it is better not to talk about Akshay Kumar’s toothless attempt. It is so evident that he tried to be Mohanlal, but alas! He too failed miserably. Now I don’t want to comment about the direction because I can’t, since I haven’t fully watched the movie and I am not intending to do it also. But those who were unfortunate to watch this film told me that Priyadarshan has tried to do exactly (in other words, copy!!) what the original director, Fazil did. But by the look of it, I think Priyadarshan (He worked as assistant director for Manichithrathazhu) couldn’t even match to one–tenth of Fazil’s expertise.

Vidya Balan in 'Bhool Bhulaiyaa'.

So you know what my final words would be about Bhool Bhulaiyaa. I would say watching Manichithrathazhu with subtitles is any times better than suffering this Priyadarshan faux. Thank God that I didn’t waste money for seeing this film in a movie hall!

Check out these related posts too!
Mambo Italiano
Chak De! India
A Love To Hide

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Thursday, November 15, 2007

The Home Is Silent

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They look at me. No anger, but I see the pain. I know they are trying to swallow it down, trying to accept the reality. Yesterday, the last of the pups also found a new home and now only Papa-dog and Mama-dog are realizing that their children have been disappearing one by one.

But the good news is that all four of them got nice homes, people who care for them. And the best part is, they won't be put in kennels. All four of them will have the freedom to roam around inside their houses just like ours. That's one thing we were concerned about; their freedom. It's amazing how different one's character can become if their freedom is snatched from them. I mean, when my parents went to bring home Papa-dog from my aunt, there was also his brother. All these years, my aunt raised him inside the kennel, and we brought up Papa-dog giving all the freedom he needs. Now if you see both the brothers, you would be amazed. His brother has become this tempestuous one where as Papa-dog has turned out to be friendly and loving.

Papa-dog now misses his children. He didn't eat his meal yesterday. He was the one who played with the pups all the time. The pups loved him the most. They would try to catch and pull his tail, chew his ears, try to lie on top of him. Mama-dog is also sad. In the middle of the night when I went to drink water, I saw her lying motionless. I sat beside her. She was not sleeping, but looking somewhere thinking about something, may be about her children. I caressed her, but that didn't seem to ease her pain.


Now it's time for everyone to settle down. Time to get the home back to its orderliness. It's the end of a chapter and the beginning of a new one, with lots of good memories to treasure.

The home is silent.

Check out these related posts too!
The Time Has Come

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Tuesday, November 13, 2007

The Sherwani And My Wedding

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Do you ever experience guilt after shopping? Well, I do. Especially after I shop for clothes. I will become this ferocious critic for spending money on them because I know pretty soon, I would lose interest in wearing them. Then, isn't this all just a waste of money? That is why I rarely go out for shopping. Also I'm pretty bad in choosing clothes that look good on me. But some occasions force you to go for shopping, like when you got to attend a wedding and that too especially if it is your cousin brothers'.

This time, I chose to buy sherwani. It has been in my mind for quite a long time now to own one of those. I went there with the prospect of buying one, instead I came back with two! We checked out lot of sherwanis and ended up liking two of them. One had very nice artwork while the other was a rare colour with neat design and I couldn't just decide which one to reject. Wearing sherwanis is a different feeling altogether. They do give you a different look, a noble look. I also bought two matching stoles and a pair of jutti to go with the shervanis. I looked quite impressive, much to my surprise and my parents stated that I might let the people think that I was the groom!

With my cousins all getting married one after another, pretty soon my number will also be up. Now itself people have started asking about me to my parents seeing me at my cousin's engagement. Everyone was reminding me, "You are next!" Now imagine the situation when they see me in sherwani at the wedding! And one of my cousin sister is determined to start the search for a girl for me soon after this wedding. I know she is just joking. But think of the situation when one fine day, she actually proves that she wasn't!


I use every opportunity to convey my coldness of having a wedding for me. So while we were returning after the shopping, I once again said to my parents that I didn't intend to get married. But my father told me that I needed to have a companion and I won't realize its importance until I reach the old age. I wanted to say, "I agree that I want a companion, but is it necessary that it should be some one of the opposite sex?" Anyways, I've got another 5 or 6 years before the marriage question pops up. I have decided long back that I will not get married to a woman. I know if I marry a woman, then I would be dragging her into this whole mess which is unfair to both of us.

Check out these related posts too!
Why Indian Brides Are In Trouble

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Thursday, November 8, 2007

Blog Reviewed

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Crazy Sam’s Bloginess has articles written on a variety of themes. I was very pleased with the amount of pictures of good looking men on the site! The articles were well written and of a good length. There were a lot of film reviews and also general observations about life. I found it interesting and this sort of blog is not normally the sort of thing that I would read. I liked the layout but would have liked to have had the articles split into categories so it was easier to find an article on a particular subject.
- Our Blog Review

Thank you Rachel for reviewing my blog. I was quite doubtful while submitting this blog for the review because I saw mine is not the type you had done the reviews on. So obviously I was surprised and excited when I saw your notification about the review. I am glad that you liked my site and its contents and I really appreciate for taking time to go through my blog. About the articles to be split into categories, I had thought of doing it. But what is put here are mostly my random thoughts and I find it difficult to categorize them. To tell you the truth, the hardest part while writing a post is to find a suitable title. After typing the content, it usually takes ages for me to come up with a satisfactory title and I think it would be even more hard in the case of tagging my posts. I hope the search bar comes handy for checking specific posts.



So if any of you would like their blogs to be reviewed and want to see what others think about your site, just make a stop at Our Blog Review. I'm sure this would also help your blogs to get more traffic.

Today I and my friends were talking about Google's AdSense and how it was cool and all that. Well.. they were telling, for AdSense to happen, one needs to have a website or a blog and I so wanted to shout, "Guess what? I have one!" But even when having a blog, I can't enter the AdSense program. Coz, you need to give your real name and the complete home address. For closeted gays like me, it is risky to put all that info onto the net. But it would've been nice to have the AdSense running on my page. Sigh!

Why can't they come up with something like crediting some points for the clicks on the ads and trade that points for availing some online services, for example giving premium RapidShare account for a particular time period based on the points you earn. In that case, there is no need to collect the real name and the address.
What do ya think!


Update - Saturday, November 10, 2007:
As you can see, I was finally able to categorize the posts (Yaay!). Thanks to phydeaux3 for lucidly explaining how to create that cool label cloud.

Update - Friday, February 1, 2008:
You won't be able to see the label cloud now since I took it down for the new template.

Check out these related posts too!
Yet Another Shout Out!
Another Shout Out!
Shout Out!

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Thursday, November 1, 2007

Tattoos And Piercings

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Pheobe messaged me asking about which ear if the guy do the piercing denotes him as gay. I messaged back saying 'right.' Out of curiosity, I asked why all of a sudden she wanted to know that. There is a guy in her office who pierced his left ear, so she was just inquisitive. I told her, now I am bit confused because I actually didn't know whether my answer was correct. Earlier during my pre-coming out days, Pheobe had asked me to wear a ring on the ear. And when I wore it on the right, she including my friends laughed and said that I was gay. I got the shock of my life then, but it was all fun, so nobody took it serious.

Crazy Sam's Bloginess: Tattooed Arm

The guy in her office, Pheobe says, now looks so uncool with the piercing. I personally distaste piercing and tattooing, especially the piercing. I think it is utter insaneness to have them. (Ever read about the harmful outcomes of having them?) But Phoebe loves tattooed guys. According to her, tattoo projects a statement about the person.. Huh!! Whatever that means! Ok fine, little bit of tattoo is ok.. like on arms, but putting them on chest, neck, or on back or on any other place is a total turn off for me. And about piercing, I almost pass out whenever I see one.

So I asks her, how is this guy. She says he is not at all my type.
"Well.. then tell me what's my type?"
She messages back, "Easy to talk to.. Bit of an extrovert.. Funny.. Unassuming about his good looks.. Honest, especially about his feelings."


I was actually blown away by her answer, because that's so correct! I am amazed to realize how well she knows me.

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Saturday, October 27, 2007

Chak De! India

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Some days before, as I was immensely immersed and enjoying the soccer match in She's The Man, a thought strike me. Would Bollywood be capable of creating a film which not just shows the game, but actually make the viewers feel the game. Of course there was Lagaan, but what about a full fledged sports movie? Bollywood can easily breed emotional dramas, but what about one that is an entirely sports-dedicated? Of course, the challenge would be then to make the audience engulfed in the game because the ending is already known and there is no point in watching if the game didn't appear exciting. Then that requires superb script, equally matching cinematography, sensitive direction, skillful acting and brisk stunts - a delicate combination because in such movies what matters most is the pace. If the pace is fast, the scenes can become leery. If the pace is slow, then it becomes a ho-hum.

When I first heard about Chak De! India and what was it about (a coach determined to give the Indian women hockey team the world cup), my first thought was it could be just another flop from Yash Raj Films. Their previous two movies were dud even though their promos succeeded creating the stir. And this one seemed to be like a patriotic one, but Bollywood is notorious for being jingoistic. So my eagerness to see this one was fiddling. But then soon I began to hear all talking about how wonderful this movie was and it did enlighten my curiosity.


So I watched. What I noticed about the movie was its pace. Slow at first, but then gradually increasing. By the beginning of the second half we can already feel the adrenaline rush. The plots were all completely believable and that's what make it special. It is not at all a tale of magic that work wonders. Even though we all know what the ending would be like, we can feel ourselves praying for the win. And that's the result of the successful combination that I mentioned before. We feel the disappointment when they lose, and the vigor when they win.


The character portrayal and development of the players was outstanding. They are all each completely different from the other, have their own ways to deal with the chafes, but had to come together as a team and what made them do it and how they achieve it are all completely convincing. And the movie not just shows a single match, but an array of them and each of them carefully pictured and stands out vivid. A huge applause for that because they not at all appeared to be repetitive, but was able to keep up with the accelerating pace of the movie. I felt like I was in a live stadium because the people around me were all shouting, clapping, cheering... made me relive the time when I went for Lagaan.


You will feel that you are not just a spectator but actually an invisible character in the movie. And when it was over, I was missing them. I was actually missing them! Can you believe that! Chak De! India will awaken your patriotism and you will definitely feel that Indian pride when you walk out from the theatre.

Check out these related posts too!
Mambo Italiano
Bhool Bhulaiyaa
A Love To Hide

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Thursday, October 18, 2007

The Realization

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The Year was 1998. Month, June. I was in 9th standard then. Another ordinary day and the class was going on. Then a new face stood on the door. He was so charming! I kept looking at his face and I couldn't just stop gazing at him. The teacher told us that he was a new student and she asked him to take a seat. Even though there was no space on my bench, I kept wishing to make him sit next to me. In the end, his eyes caught the vacant space on the bench behind me. "Damn it!"

The class resumed. But I couldn't just concentrate like before. Something very different just happened inside me and it longed to look at his face one more time. So with much difficulty, I looked at him, but soon had to send my eyes towards the book. Again that strange feeling. God.. What is happening?? He is a guy for heaven's sake! But I had to look at him. This time he saw me. Busted! He didn't smile and I quickly buried my head in the book.

During the break, while others were busy getting acquainted with him I stood among the group listening to what he was babbling. I didn't know what to ask him. Then I heard that his house was near to mine. Voila!! Excuse me, give way to Sam.. Time to make an official entry into his life! So we talked. That started the journey of a beautiful friendship. Pretty soon... I mean, really awesomely pretty soon, we became inseparable. My mornings became the joyous affair when he would come to my home and we both ride to school and evenings became the most hardest part of the day when I had to part him. I hated the weekends because those days didn't allow us to meet and I would anxiously wait for Monday to come, to hear his cycle-bell ring.

I was actually confused too see this unusual conduct of me. True, I always felt that I had a strange thing towards men. I always found myself weird that I was trying to imagine how would that hidden fruit looked like whenever I saw a guy wearing jeans or why was that the guy's crotch so inviting in those underwear ads. I can recollect an incident when I was traveling with my parents. I was in the backseat looking outside the window. Suddenly a biker was trying to overtake our car. Instantly my eyes went to his crotch and I was staring at it and then when I looked up, I saw that he had seen me looking and was giving me a foul look. I got so scared and looked away from him.

With Pete, I was feeling much more than that.. like I wanted him to be mine, I felt like he was my everything and days would seem dull without seeing his face. I wanted to hug him tightly forever. His smile and those caring eyes always flashed in my mind. I would twitch and turn on my bed unable to understand what was happening in me. I considered myself to be insane for having these kinda thoughts. C'mon! I am a guy and I am supposed to feel all this towards a gal, not to a guy.. Seriously, what's wrong with me??

In those days, I never knew that such a bunch called "homosexuals" existed. I always felt that I was the only one feeling like this, the only one in this WHOLE world. My exposure to outside world was limited. Everywhere I looked, guys were talking about Sophie's boobs or Maria's ass. I never heard anyone talking about Tony's pecs or Robin's bulge. Things started getting clear to me after two years when I got internet connection and I was like, "WHAAAAOWW!! This means I'm not the ONLY ONE!!"

I came out to Pete last year. He was absolutely shocked and dumbfounded. I also told him that he was my first crush. We still keep in touch, but I do not have those feelings towards him now...


Today was my current crush's 26th birthday. Well.. more about him later.

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But I Used To Be That Innocent..

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Sunday, October 14, 2007

A Love To Hide

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Last night, I cried myself to sleep. Those scenes kept on playing in my mind and I could feel the trauma that they must have experienced. I thought, how could man be so barbarous, how could anyone even have the nerve to think such sadist deeds. And before I knew, tears came rolling down my face..

I usually don't cry after seeing a movie. Even if I feel down, it is very rare that I cry thinking upon it. But this one, I couldn't just pass it off as another emotional story. I know though the characters were fictious, the events weren't. Un amour à taire (A Love To Hide) deals with the gay holocaust during the Nazi era. This is one truly amazing, heart wrenching and powerful film and as one viewer rightly puts it, "conveys much of what is worst and best of humanity set in 1942 during the upheaval of Nazi-occupied Paris."


Honestly, I didn't know what this movie was all about because I never read the summery of movies fearing that I might bump into a spoiler and wreck the whole experience. All I knew was, this was something concerning gay people and could be emotional. But then as the scenes started coming alive, I wasn't prepared for what I was seeing. I could feel my heart becoming heavy, my eyes becoming wet and hoping for that silver line in the dark clouds.

Not to sound all preachy here, but do we realize how lucky we (some of us) are to be born in this time and place, where people have begun to realize that homosexuality is not a disease, and we are not sent for "re-education" to become straight and we are not exterminated to "cleanse" the race. A Love To Hide is a must-see for everyone no matter what you think you are. The language is French, but with the subtitles, the touching storyline, the excellent direction and the wonderful performance by the actors, this movie could shake you to your core.

Did you choose your blue eyes?? Same here. I didn't choose to love men.

Trust me, don't wait to read the reviews. Just grab a copy and watch it!

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Monday, October 8, 2007

Is Internet Becoming Homophobic?

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Today I received a mail from Erik from RestoringLove.com that their web hosting provider closed access to the blog saying that there were indecent photos of men. According to me, those pics were truly eye-candy but never ever were they sexually explicit. They were all artistic, voguish and beautiful. In no way they were pornographic. So this is just yet another evidence of homophobia that is sweeping across the web for the past few months.


To many people out here, there is no secure way to express their homosexual desires and blogs are supposed to be another medium representing the freedom of expression, giving people the opportunity to express their emotions to the world. For most of them, their blog means a lot. Their blog might be the only source to vent out their feelings and these blogs bear all the support and encouragement that they got from their friends. I have experienced it firsthand. I used to have a guilty feeling in me because of being a homosexual. But now, not at all, and this was possible only because of the support I got from my Yahoo! 360 friends. A testimony to that is the commended link appearing on the top-right of this page. You could feel how honest, straight forward and sincere they were in taking part that discussion. Each of them didn't fear to get down to their darkest fears and pains to understand the whole situation. I believe that the Discussion Blog will serve the purpose of reaching out to those who are confused by their sexuality, who are cursing themselves for being homosexual, who have got a misrepresented idea of what homosexuality is, because often false believes and misconceptions are the root cause for many problems that the gay community is now facing.

And Erik was also hosting his blog for a noble cause, to promote love among gay people. It is dedicated to all gay couples, providing tips and ideas to maintain love at the highest level, speaking about love and intimacy. But homophobia made some people to see it in a different way and that caused Erik's site to go down. It could have meant closing down the blog for him had he not made a backup and it took four days to recover and have everything working on a new host provider. You can check out Erik's site at www.restoringlove.com.


I also recently read at Plublogs that some of the reputable gay sites like Scott-O-Rama, HomoMojo, UndiesDrawer, TreyCruz.com and GayTwoGether were dropped from Google’s AdSense program because of adult or mature content on their site. The funny part is that they didn't find pictures of undressed women found on straight blogs as obscene. So is Google becoming homophobic too? In that case, what will happen to the blogs on the Blogger since it is also from Google. Gays have always been discriminated in the real world. Would we have to suffer that discrimination here too?

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Saturday, October 6, 2007

The Time Has Come

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I am feeling down to know that these days whisked by so fast and the time has come to give them away. I can't believe that those tiny wriggling things who could barely open their eyes have now become healthy pups, so active and naughty that the whole house has become a playground for them. They are one bunch of impish gang, trying to gnaw whatever that comes in their way, fighting and playing, making a racket whenever they feel hungry, then curling up together to sleep with their stomachs all bloated like a pregnant woman, and upon waking doing their business of making pools here and there and again back to the gnawing and fighting. The cycle continues.. I have watched them grow from the size of half of my palm to... well, they have all now become chubby because of their never-unattended hunger demands.

Two of them (one male, the other female) are exact replica of Mama-dog with black coat and white patches like socks on each toes. Another one (female) is white with brown spots and then the chubbiest (male), with brown coat and again white on the toes. The tiniest of all is the male black pup, the cutest and most furred. He looks like a doll.


I still remember the day when Papa-dog was brought to our home two years ago. He was their size then and so nervous. But seeing me, he began to wag his little tail. Yesterday I happened to see one of his puppy photos, how funny he looked! He is one very loving dog. Wherever I move around the house, I could feel his eyes following me. Always playful and active, he has become a handsome young chap. He has an undeterred will. I have often wondered, if he were born as human he would have achieved a lot in his life. The one thing that nags me about him is his unnecessary barking to even the feeblest sounds. He is still a kiddo and very much pampered by my parents. Mama-dog joined our family only 3 months back. It was more like the bringing of bride to the groom's home. She is one year old and was given to us by one of my cousins. She used to be very quiet timid type in the beginning. We even thought that she might be mute. Over time, she became used to the new home, and now her barks can be heard far and wide!

I am just thinking about the pups. All these days, they made my life more colorful. A sudden calmness would come into me whenever I watch them sleeping peacefully. My mind would get lightened up when I see them play. The way they walk with their tiny paws is so cute. Always trying to lick me when I lift them and I would get the whiff of their puppy-smell. Soon they all will be gone and I am gonna miss them terribly. We can't afford to keep another four dogs in our home because the whole place is already rocking with these two. I just hope all the four are lucky to get nice families. And tomorrow, one will walk away to a caring home.

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Thursday, September 20, 2007

You Are Gay!

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Every homosexual soul's important chapter of his/her life would be the time he/she decides to reveal that secret. Most of us would not dare to do an announcement to the whole world, instead we choose that one person whom we feel the most comfortable to talk to. I seriously thought I would never have the courage to open up to someone regarding this. During pre-college days, though I had some serious crushes, the friends I had then were unfit for such a revelation. I saw the light of hope of gaining some trustworthy friends (mostly gals) only when I reached college. Even then, I always had the impression that my first coming out would be to a guy. The time was acting really bitchy then, making me feel guilty, making me go insane. I so desperately wanted to end this game of acting, pretending to be someone that I was not.


One afternoon, we were having a free period. So I called my friend, Phoebe and we both sat on an empty bench. She had noticed my uneasiness during the past couple of days and was pestering me like anything to spit it out whatever I was having in my mind. I gave her a build up so as to make her know that the issue was not a frivolous one. When the time finally came to unveil the secret, I lost all my courage to word it out. Hence she had to throw situations at me for which I had to say yes or no. Minutes passed and she was not even getting anywhere near to it. I told her to imagine the most unlikely things that she could associate with me.

So she asked, "You have AIDS."
"No."

"err.. you killed someone?"
"No."

"hmmm... you are gay."
"Yeah."

I could see her eyes popping out with disbelief, "What!??"
Still not getting convinced, "Are you sure?"

It took me some time to actually make her understand that I wasn't joking. (I guess I am that straight-acting!) But then she began to see the reason why she felt that I was different from the rest of the guys on some level. She was totally supportive with the whole issue. To this day, I believe that was one of the wisest decisions I have ever made - choosing her to come out. This experience gave me the confidence to come out to another three gals and then finally to a guy!

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Saturday, September 15, 2007

Obsessed With The C-Factor

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I sometimes dream that I am sitting alone at a cafe waiting for my friends to turn up and a cute guy at the other end tries to make an eye-contact and then he comes over nervously, asks me a lame question. He feels uneasy and I come to the rescue and ease him. We have our small chat and we feel the spark, we feel that connection, a feeling that this is the beginning of something special, that we are meant for each other. And when it is the time to depart, we both feel powerless to walk away, looking into each other's eyes that say, "Don't go, don't leave me alone. I want you, I need you, because you are the one I have been searching for..."

But I know this would never happen to me. First of all, I am always the last one to show up in any get together. So that literally rules out the possibility of me being alone and checked out by a cute guy and second, why would a totally cute guy sit there all alone and third, I don't believe in love at first sights.


When I went to the DJ last week, I had a teeny-meeny hope of meeting a cute guy (the C-Factor rules!) and we both throwing glances at each other and finally ending up (in the bed?? Lol! I ain't that stupid!) sharing the numbers. As you already might have guessed, nothing of that sort happened although an intoxicated guy was telling me, "Dance! Dance!!" He was kinda cute.. (only kinda) And seeing another guy's reaction, I thought he lost something important and he was searching for it. I felt sorry for him and thought of asking what he was searching for. And then only I knew that it was ONE of his dance moves! Crazy boozers!!

Anyways, I was surprised to see my friend chatting and dancing with another guy. I was thinking, "Hmm... cool, it's been only few minutes and he already made an acquaintance." But after sometime, I came to know that they already knew each other. Later that night while we ate our dinner, he joined us. Boy! Can any person be louder than him! (FYI, loud people freak the hell out of me.) Wait, there is lot more.. He kept on repeating the terms 'gay' and 'my boyfriend' and other people were looking at us. (You should know that I am a closeted gay and I am out to only very close friends.) Most of the time I kept quite and all the talks were between my friend and this guy, who is by the way, little feminine too... Oh let me not get you wrong here, I have nothing against such guys. But I was feeling like the situation was indirectly presenting itself to let others know that I am gay too. Or this could all be my misconceptions, why should people think that I am gay just because I am with a slightly feminine, openly homosexual man?

Today my friend messaged me that this guy had invited us for his birthday bash which was happening at the same place. This could mean all his gay and lesbian friends to be there. But since my friend is busy with some other stuffs and it was not possible for him to attend, I also decided not to go. I really can't deal with the scene where I am surrounded by gay men and women, all by myself. Plus it was raining all day and I felt like not going outside. The roads will all be blocked and everywhere it will be muddy.

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Wednesday, September 12, 2007

It's The Time To Disco!

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Last Saturday, I went for DJ. I was just shopping and happened to meet one of my old gay friends. I was surprised to see him alone in the cafe, so I asked what he was up to. He was all set to go for a gay party (first ever in our state), and asked me whether I was coming. I had known about this event, but I was feeling uncomfortable going by myself. Now that he was also going for that and my stars had promised to be my side, I thought, why not!! We reached there 45 minutes late and then only we were knowing that the party was cancelled. Bummer!

By this time, another friend also joined us. We thought of what to do next. I didn't want to waste my one weekend like that. That's when he told me that there was a place where DJ happens every weekend and would we be interested to go there or just go to some place and have dinner? Well... I thought, screw the dinner! It's been really too long since I went for a DJ (two and a half years to be exact) and that's what we did. When I reached the place, I could hear the bass pounding and I was totally excited.

My friend proclaimed, "Three gay men are going to have fun tonight!"
And I said jokingly, "Well.. for your information, I am straight!"
"Hmm... we will see that when you get drunk." He grinned.

When the door opened, I could see in the dim light that the dance floor was empty. And very few people were there. We reached there too early, obviously. We sat there sometime and decided to fix us up with drinks. I had to drive, so I didn't want to get too drunk. I took a beer. After couple of sips, the other two was on the dance floor. I was waiting for some more people to turn up and get little high. Time passed, and more people came and some of them started dancing. But I was so not getting high, so I was swilling down more beer. Actually it felt like I was drinking water because I was not experiencing the usual stuffs (including the horniness, lol!). By this time, my friend dragged me onto the dance floor and that's when I started to move and gyrate my body.


If you actually saw the scene there, you would probably think that was a gay place, because except for one, all were guys. She was a foreigner and I am pretty much sure that she was wondering whether she had come to the wrong place, but she had her boyfriend (or friend or brother.. whatever!) I could tell you that place was so gay! Seeing guys shake hips, holding arms, acting totally crazy was kinda freaking me out. I wished I were more drunk so that I could stop myself being so self-conscious and just sink into the music. But my friend was totally cool with everything (and drunk too) and he was as gay as he could be.

We totally had fun and I just loved the experience. Me being a sound freak and surrounded by crazed men, what else can you expect!

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