Hello?

I was browsing through the book section the other day. With no intention to buy, I was reading the blurbs of the many Indian fictions that were displayed on the racks. I was also hoping that it would be nice if I stumble upon a book that had a gay character as the protagonist.

After a couple of brief blurb-reading, a title hinting of a homosexual subtext caught my eye. It read 'You Are Not Alone'. Curiosity gripped as I flipped the book over and read the back to see what it was about – ‘Sanjay Sanghavi is a single urban homosexual counting the last minutes of his life...’ Waaow, can’t believe I have actually hit the jackpot!

At the last Queer-Ink’s book fair in Mumbai, I did bump into a number of gay fictions, but the sheer amount of titles was so overwhelming that it was becoming a task to choose one over the other. And here in Cochin, discovering one from a bunch where I least expected gave me a sense of accomplishment.

I flipped through the pages, tried to read paragraphs from here and there. I wanted to make sure it was something I could relate to. When I found myself checking how the ending would be, I shut the book and decided to buy.

Now my two cents on this while keeping it as vague as possible:

Sanjay’s story is not an extraordinary one, but it has moments which we long for. If we look at ourselves, we all could relate to what he went through – the usual, the unusual, the good and the bad. And this is exactly the beauty and strength of Arun Mirchandani’s debut novel. It doesn’t take you to unbelievable fantasy trips and yet keeps one hooked till the end. Being a light read, You Are Not Alone could be a solace to those who are trying to come in terms with their sexuality - if not an answer, at least a hope.

(Click on the cover to read the blurb. Courtesy: Frogbooks.net)

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The Look-Alike
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The Look-Alike

"Hey.. You look exactly like one of my friends!”
“Oh really?”
“Yeah, you so totally look identical to him. Where are you from?”
“I’m from this city.”
“Are you sure you don’t have any relatives in Kerala?”
“No, why?”
“Just checking whether you are even remotely related to my friend.”

When they say there could be seven people out there who might be having identical faces, it feels weird when you bump into one who looks like a carbon copy of someone you know; except that this guy was chubbier and had coloured piercings on his left eyebrow. But his smile is oh-so-totally just like my friend’s.

I should have chatted with him, but I didn’t.
Then I could have exchanged numbers with him, but I didn’t.
And I could have clicked snaps with him, but I didn’t. It would have been fun showing them to my friend and to see him flip out. And so yeah, the above conversation is just another ideated one among the many could’ves-should’ves-would’ves that echo in my head.

At the 'Parents and Relatives (of gays) Meet' organised by Gay Bombay, it was good to see fathers also among the higher number of mothers. The discussion steered towards how parents can be offered assistance in their process of coming in terms with the truth that their son/daughter is gay, which led to taking an initiative of forming an Indian PFLAG (Parents, Families & Friends of Lesbians and Gays), similar to the one that exists in US (www.pflag.org). But the highpoint of the meet for me was when a mother shared her experience - when her son came out to her, she took her son and his boyfriend for dinner that night to celebrate!

You can read the full report of the 'Parents and Relatives Meet' here.

By the way, do you think it is a coincidence that I get to read this soon after the look-alike-encounter? (Click on the pic to get a readable version.)

Courtesy: Hindustan Times Cafe

Arya Babbar happens to be one of my favourites for obvious reasons! ;)

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A Rendezvous That Offered A Mix Of Everything
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Gaydar For Sale Anyone?

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A Rendezvous That Offered A Mix Of Everything

This happened two years ago. I was doing my final semester then. Rachel came to me and said, "Hey! I have this friend, he is really sweet and interesting. I think you should meet him."

Would I turn down an offer to meet an interesting guy? I said, "Sure! I'm in!" '

Soon she introduced Davis through chat. Later Davis phoned me and we both had an awesome time. We decided to meet on the coming Sunday at Cafe Coffee Day.


The d-day came and I appeared 15 minutes late. But then the sight I saw, literally made my hair stand up on end! My seniors were also there! I noticed Davis (quick guessing because I hadn't seen any of his pics) sitting two couches ahead. Trying to look as calm as possible, I first went to the seniors. They were also surprised to see that I showed up alone. I told them that I came to meet a friend and pointed towards Davis (Even at that time, I wasn't sure it was him.) That moment I felt like running from there without looking back! My heart was beating at a speed so fast that I felt like it might jump out at any time. And after the small chat with them, when I turned to walk towards Davis (yes, still assuming) something happened. "What if this guy turns out to be another guy instead of Davis? Imagine the situation if something like that happens and I humiliate myself in front of all these seniors!!"

I felt darkness surrounding me. In that confusion, I suddenly didn't know what to do and I ended up sitting on the couch next to Davis. My seniors who were watching this whole drama was now giving me this questioning look that said, "What's wrong with you! Didn't you just said that you came to see your friend? Why are you not sitting with him?" I didn't want to get up from there and then sheepishly sit next to Davis (whom I'm still not sure about!). So I texted the whole situation to him and we both decided to leave the place. I waved bye to my seniors and I was so quick that I didn't give them any chance to even call my name.

I waited for Davis to join me at Music World. After sometime he came (yes, my assumption was right), but he was putting a serious face. From his friendly chat over the phone, this was not at all the attitude I was expecting from him. May be he was also feeling nervous. We entered Music World and then he just started checking out DVDs! And I didn't know what to do and I also started doing the same! It was one hell of an awkward moment.

Then he said he didn't have anything for lunch and we moved to a restaurant. Since I already had, I decided to have an ice cream. At least now that we were settled somewhere, you must be expecting that from now onwards, things were gonna move smoothly, right?? WRONG!! We would say something and soon the conversation would die out. And there would be one long silence before anyone of us would start to speak again, but soon discovering that the same silence was all we were left with!


We decided to go to Planet M. Here also, he started checking out CDs and DVDs and I stood there confused. This guy was not giving me any chance to patch up this weird situation. By now I was thinking that this was all a mistake.

Meanwhile, there was this karaoke event going on and the guy who was singing at that time was really good looking. Davis continued his conquest for checking out every single DVD in that store while I was practically drooling over the singing guy. He did sing really well. After his song finished, I slowly moved towards him. In between I was checking whether he was noticing me. At one moment, our eyes met and he smiled at me. I smiled back, but I didn't want this to end with a smile. So I went to him and told him that I liked his singing. That started our conversation and he turned out to be amazingly friendly.

After that, Davis and I went to the recently opened mall. While we were on our mission to enter the mall, the sight I saw made me feel like I was gonna have a heart attack right there!! Look who all had come to the same place - The same old seniors!!! They were also surprised and jokingly asked me whether I was following them all the way. By this time Davis had walked a little faster and I needed to catch up with him.

Davis and I had never been to this mall before and we were walking up and down the building searching for Barista Cafe because that's where Davis's friend, Brad had told him to come. I decided to ask the guys in one of the shops. So I confidently took my next step with the assumption that it would make myself land inside the shop.

BOIIINNGGGG!!!!

These shops were glass covered and had the glass doors that were exceptionally clean and so remarkably transparent. I didn't realize there was this glass door in the middle of my path and so in the process I bumped my head against it. Seeing this, the guys in the stall started laughing. Hmm.. another awkward moment.

I learnt where the cafe was situated and we waited at the cafe for Brad. While we were waiting, I couldn't just help noticing that the city's gorgeous people were right in front of me and I became severely self-conscious. It was seriously a hunks and babes fest!!

After some time Brad came. A good looking guy was also tagging along with him and he happened to be so damn seksi!! (As Phunky would put it. :P) Shey was little over weight, but definitely good looking! But in the end, it's not the looks that would make you pull towards him, it’s his way of speaking. I just LOVED the way he talked. (Why do all the interesting guys need to be straight? sigh!)


While we bunch of four sat there and talked, (Shay was telling me how it was kinda dry that he's not getting any gal for an unusually long period after his thirteenth breakup!) another guy also joined us. Really well-built and muscular, John happened to be a friend of Davis, Brad and Shey. After an hour or so, John wanted to check out shirts on the first floor and we all joined him. Davis and Brad were busy with some business, and John and Shey were occupied with their shopping. I decided to enter the shop (by the way, this was the same shop where I banged my head), carefully this time. I was window shopping and suddenly I saw another good looking guy there. And I looked at him and he looked at me. He smiled. I also smiled. But I didn't want to push my luck too far, so I didn't dare to start a conversation this time.


We were back at Barista and Davis and I played the rating game. He would point out a guy and I should rate him out of 10, it was fun. Davis and I decided to remain as good friends. When it was late and everyone was preparing to leave, Davis texted me, "He likes you, all the best! :)"

And I blushed.

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Coulda Shoulda Woulda Prada

Last weekend I was at Goa with my parents. Not to any touristy areas though, b'coz I was there to attend a family wedding. The bride's brother came to the railway station to pick us up. He looked exactly the same since I last saw him years ago. Handsome and so charming! Everytime I see him, he makes my heart skip a beat. I don't think we ever had a comfortable talk. It was always a hi, or something of that sort. I get tongue-tied and the words even if they came out would be totally out of order that would make no sense. I still remember that day when I made a total fool of myself while trying to make a conversation with him. That was 10 years ago. May be he doesn't remember all that now, but I do.

The fact that he is married doesn't stop me from fantasizing about him. He is absolutely crazy about cars and loves his own like a.. I don't know how to put it, but you should've seen the way he was washing his car the other day. It was almost like he was caressing it! Gently touching and wiping the water off with the soft cloth, with so much of affection and care. How I wished I were his car! Then I could have allowed him to drive me as long as he wants! (Lol!!) As I watched him loving his baby, he told me during his college days he too grew his hair long. "You should try modelling", he said casually.

"Yeah right! Very much possible!!" I blurted out sarcastically. *gets tongue-tied*
I wanted to say, "Don't you know that the cameras hate me?"


On our en route back to home after attending the marriage, we alighted at my mother's brother's place to visit him. My aunt dropped us back to the station in the afternoon. The train had already been pulled in. We caught our seats and I was back on the platform to continue talking with her. Then I saw this guy on the window seat looking at me. He was good looking and modish. Totally my type! In between the chat, I checked whether he was still eyeing me. He was. When the train started moving, I said bye to my aunt and got back to my seat that was opposite to the guy across the aisle. I tried to get a look at his face, but the people in between were blocking my view. Then I was completely distracted by this handsome macho guy who boarded from the next stop. Since the train was crowded, he couldn't find a seat and so he stood near the doorstep, listening to his iPod. He was a dark handsome fella and had a don't care a damn - attitude. He wore black pants and white round-necked t-shirt that had a logo of airtel on his left chest.

When the man sitting beside my father got off, he saw the vacant seat and sat there. (By the way, my parents' seats are opposite to mine facing me. So now I got a much closer view of him.) I continued to check him out and at one point he saw me. I quickly took my eyes away. But that didn't stop me. This is the first time I am daring to continue checking a guy out even when I knew he was aware of what I was up to. We would try to glance at each other now and then, and sometimes our eyes would meet for just a second and one of us would retract. It kept on going.. (would you believe if I say, for hours??). One time as I looked, he smiled at me. Man! He was so charming that I too gave a brief smile. I thought from that point on, this could become better, but again the old game of awkward glancing resumed till the train pulled into his destination. Before getting off, he looked at me.. for the last time. His face was expressionless.


I could have easily initiated a chat with him. Since I am planning to buy an iPod soon, it would have been a nice topic to start the flow. I guess the presence of my parents made both of us feel insecure. Rest of the journey was quite uneventful and when I checked the other guy, he was busy talking on the mobile. Hours later, my destination also came. Now when I stood up to leave with my bags, I saw him gazing at me. I looked away, but then looked at him again. He is now royally checking me out! By now, the train halted and I had to get off. I could have given him at least a smile.

I believe I would have had a way with this guy too if I were travelling alone. Since the next stop is the final one for this train and I could easily catch a bus from there to my home, there would be no harm in getting off there and I'd get a chance to do a small talk with him while walking towards the staton's exit. Who knows, may be that could have been the start of something! Well, what's the point in thinking about all that now!!

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Gaydar For Sale Anyone?

First of all, I must thank Orangeorka for prompting me to do this post. His posts on gaydar made me want to share my experience with this highly discombobulating (try saying it?) thingy. When I say I doubt whether I have gaydar, I am told to watch guys, how they talk and interact. But unless they are feminish, I don't think I will ever identify one. (And I'm not stating that all such guys are gays.) Anyways, truth is I really don't bother to know who's gay and who's not. If at all I get a vibe from someone (yeah right.. like that's gonna happen!), it's still pretty much the same because I don't see myself going towards him and initiating a conversation.


But one time, the unthinkable did happen. I was in a lift with a cute guy. There was something in me pushing to talk to him. This is the first time I'm seeing him and I didn't get any gay vibe what so ever. Well.. I initiated the talk and we had a brief two minute conversation while walking towards our destination. At the end of the chat, something told me that this guy could be gay. He was not feminish. (May be something about the way he talked?)

Shortly few days after that, I had sent a message to a guy in my gay dating site and when he replied, it turned out to be HIM!! He wrote back saying, he remembered the incident and it was not the conversation that he recalled, but my face. According to him, I had a good face value! *blushes* (I swear, those were his exact words!) He then told me he actually wanted to initiate the chat, but then I did beat him in that. Lol! Although we exchanged some flirty messages, nothing proceeded between us after that.


Back to identifying gays in public, I am also told that if a guy gives you a gaze when you look at him, he is probably into men. In that case, I must be surrounded by a bunch of gay men. Oh boy!

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Obsessed With The C-Factor

I sometimes dream that I am sitting alone at a cafe waiting for my friends to turn up and a cute guy at the other end tries to make an eye-contact and then he comes over nervously, asks me a lame question. He feels uneasy and I come to the rescue and ease him. We have our small chat and we feel the spark, we feel that connection, a feeling that this is the beginning of something special, that we are meant for each other. And when it is the time to depart, we both feel powerless to walk away, looking into each other's eyes that say, "Don't go, don't leave me alone. I want you, I need you, because you are the one I have been searching for..."

But I know this would never happen to me. First of all, I am always the last one to show up in any get together. So that literally rules out the possibility of me being alone and checked out by a cute guy and second, why would a totally cute guy sit there all alone and third, I don't believe in love at first sights.


When I went to the DJ last week, I had a teeny-meeny hope of meeting a cute guy (the C-Factor rules!) and we both throwing glances at each other and finally ending up (in the bed?? Lol! I ain't that stupid!) sharing the numbers. As you already might have guessed, nothing of that sort happened although an intoxicated guy was telling me, "Dance! Dance!!" He was kinda cute.. (only kinda) And seeing another guy's reaction, I thought he lost something important and he was searching for it. I felt sorry for him and thought of asking what he was searching for. And then only I knew that it was ONE of his dance moves! Crazy boozers!!

Anyways, I was surprised to see my friend chatting and dancing with another guy. I was thinking, "Hmm... cool, it's been only few minutes and he already made an acquaintance." But after sometime, I came to know that they already knew each other. Later that night while we ate our dinner, he joined us. Boy! Can any person be louder than him! (FYI, loud people freak the hell out of me.) Wait, there is lot more.. He kept on repeating the terms 'gay' and 'my boyfriend' and other people were looking at us. (You should know that I am a closeted gay and I am out to only very close friends.) Most of the time I kept quite and all the talks were between my friend and this guy, who is by the way, little feminine too... Oh let me not get you wrong here, I have nothing against such guys. But I was feeling like the situation was indirectly presenting itself to let others know that I am gay too. Or this could all be my misconceptions, why should people think that I am gay just because I am with a slightly feminine, openly homosexual man?

Today my friend messaged me that this guy had invited us for his birthday bash which was happening at the same place. This could mean all his gay and lesbian friends to be there. But since my friend is busy with some other stuffs and it was not possible for him to attend, I also decided not to go. I really can't deal with the scene where I am surrounded by gay men and women, all by myself. Plus it was raining all day and I felt like not going outside. The roads will all be blocked and everywhere it will be muddy.

Check out these related posts too!
Coulda Shoulda Woulda Prada
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It's The Time To Disco!

Last Saturday, I went for DJ. I was just shopping and happened to meet one of my old gay friends. I was surprised to see him alone in the cafe, so I asked what he was up to. He was all set to go for a gay party (first ever in our state), and asked me whether I was coming. I had known about this event, but I was feeling uncomfortable going by myself. Now that he was also going for that and my stars had promised to be my side, I thought, why not!! We reached there 45 minutes late and then only we were knowing that the party was cancelled. Bummer!

By this time, another friend also joined us. We thought of what to do next. I didn't want to waste my one weekend like that. That's when he told me that there was a place where DJ happens every weekend and would we be interested to go there or just go to some place and have dinner? Well... I thought, screw the dinner! It's been really too long since I went for a DJ (two and a half years to be exact) and that's what we did. When I reached the place, I could hear the bass pounding and I was totally excited.

My friend proclaimed, "Three gay men are going to have fun tonight!"
And I said jokingly, "Well.. for your information, I am straight!"
"Hmm... we will see that when you get drunk." He grinned.

When the door opened, I could see in the dim light that the dance floor was empty. And very few people were there. We reached there too early, obviously. We sat there sometime and decided to fix us up with drinks. I had to drive, so I didn't want to get too drunk. I took a beer. After couple of sips, the other two was on the dance floor. I was waiting for some more people to turn up and get little high. Time passed, and more people came and some of them started dancing. But I was so not getting high, so I was swilling down more beer. Actually it felt like I was drinking water because I was not experiencing the usual stuffs (including the horniness, lol!). By this time, my friend dragged me onto the dance floor and that's when I started to move and gyrate my body.


If you actually saw the scene there, you would probably think that was a gay place, because except for one, all were guys. She was a foreigner and I am pretty much sure that she was wondering whether she had come to the wrong place, but she had her boyfriend (or friend or brother.. whatever!) I could tell you that place was so gay! Seeing guys shake hips, holding arms, acting totally crazy was kinda freaking me out. I wished I were more drunk so that I could stop myself being so self-conscious and just sink into the music. But my friend was totally cool with everything (and drunk too) and he was as gay as he could be.

We totally had fun and I just loved the experience. Me being a sound freak and surrounded by crazed men, what else can you expect!

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Coulda Shoulda Woulda Prada
Gaydar For Sale Anyone?
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