Ask Sam: I Need Help

Dear Sam,

I am 19 years old. I am out to only a few of my friends. You probably get dozens of emails with the same problem everyday. But I would still request you to help me out. I dunno, when I came out to my friends I thought things would get better. But they haven't. I still feel all alone. I want to meet more people like me. I don't want just friends, but a boyfriend :P

But I can't possibly do that until I come out completely, can I?

So I have this weird feeling of being stuck all the time. I have college exams coming up soon. But I can't study. I can't afford to screw up my grades. What will a talentless gay nerd with lousy grades accomplish in life!

So how about you writing an initiation guide for all 19 year olds who are stuck and are all alone?

Please do reply as soon as possible. I really do need to talk to someone. I would love it if I could have a reply as soon as I send it. But that's too much to hope for isn't it?

Yours scared and terrified,

Moviebuff

Dear Moviebuff,

I have been through the same situation as yours, so I can understand what you are going through. We all want to be in love, to be with that special someone. I hope your friends were supportive when you came out to them. But you don't have to be out and open to find your guy. You will still be able to find your guy without letting anyone know. You can find similar-interested guys at gay dating sites or even on Facebook.

But right now, what you must give priority should be your studies. Searching for love is best when you are settled down, financially independent and when you have a nice job. Trust me, I wasted lot of my time during your age looking for love. In the end, I got lesser grades than my classmates and they have gotten through big MNCs and are enjoying big pay cheques. My life got derailed in the meanwhile, tried so hard to make everything ok, but was only partly successful. If I could turn back the time, I would have spent all those times in studying and not for finding a boyfriend.

Love is a gift. You don't necessarily have to search for it. It just happens. The more you try to chase it, the farther it goes. But it doesn't mean you just hope that love would knock at your doorstep without doing anything. You have to keep your options open to meet and socialize with guys. But now is not the right time for all that. Probably you can explore meeting guys after your exams.

Now just think that whatever time you invest in studying, you will be rewarded in terms of grades, and then a job and a boyfriend at a later stage.

All the best!

Check out these related posts too!
Ask Sam: Confused About Sexuality
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Ask Sam: Confused About Sexuality

Image copyrighted by Gay Times | Photographed by Joe Oppedisano

Hey Sam!

I stumbled onto your blog through a link on the Saathi-IIT B Facebook page. Haven't been through a lot of articles yet but it looks pretty good.

Actually the thing is, I am just so confused about my sexuality. I'm 19 and I had my sexual encounter with a guy when I was 14 or 15. It was just about sex, no feelings or anything. We didn't even make out, just down to business! It happened so many times that I can't count. The moment we were alone in the room, I was practically ready to pounce on him. The funny thing is, at that time I didn't even know what it meant. I know its hard to believe, but I actually started getting to know about sex and stuff in high school.

I also sort of had my first crush in grade 11. It was on this guy the first day of class. I specifically remember it because I knew it was just something different. Throughout class I was trying to sneak a peak at him. It kinda washed out the same day after I went to talk to him. I've never truly liked anyone I guess. I can only remember three instances which I can say were quite strong crushes, all guys.

Needless to say, I am pretty sure I am into guys. The tricky thing happened when after a lot of denial, I finally decided to confront it and come out to a few close friends. Fortunately they were completely cool with it, and these are straight guys I'm talking about. My sister, after an initial shock and denial came around to the idea. Although she's asked me not to take a firm decision just yet and keep all my 'options' open!

I don't exactly fit the stereotype, which is why when I told people, they continuously kept telling me that its not true and just something I've gotten into my head. When I told my sis about that incidence when I was 14, she said you were probably just too horny. How do you know for sure, you've never actually been with a girl. Might be that you're bi.

I don't know if its their rambling or the fact that ever since I confronted it I've been analyzing my feelings a lot that I too believe that I've been too quick in deciding. I just wanna sleep with a girl and find out. The problem is, I am not so good with girls and being in an engineering college sure doesn't help my chances there! How will I ever know for sure?

- Confused IITian

Dear Confused IITian, it is clear from your mail that you have strong attraction towards men, which is perfectly fine.  And I applaud your courage for coming out to your sister and straight friends. One thing you must realize is, you don’t have to fit into the stereotypes if you are gay. There are many who are macho in their appearance and behaviour, yet gay.

Ask these couple of questions to yourself:

• When you see an endowed woman, do your eyes fixate to her breasts? Do you try to get a peek into her cleavage?
• When you watch straight porn, whose private parts turn you on?
• When you masturbate, try fantasizing about a woman. What would you want to do with her? Is it helping to release your load?

I know for the fact that I’m 100 percent gay. For all the above situations, a girl is a strict no for me. I live with a bunch of straight guys and I feel really uncomfortable whenever they get too graphical about a girl they have seen. But I know it’s a guy thing and I would have imagined all that if I see an attractive man.

You are just 19. A life filled with rich and varied experience is waiting for you, let it unfold naturally. Do what that makes you feel good and of course, which does not inconvenience others. And if you try to sleep with a girl just to find out whether you will like the experience, most probably it will result in disappointment because your mind will be too preoccupied in analyzing whether you are enjoying each and every act.

Check out these related posts too!

Ask Sam: Entangled With A Married Guy
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Ask Sam: Entangled With A Married Guy

Ola!!
I came across your blog through some site which listed top gay blogs. I must say, they were pretty spot on by placing your name on the list. I saw that run sort of an Uncle Agony section here as well, so here's my problem that I would like to get your opinion/advice on.

I met this guy online, we talked quite a good number of times at night. I casually flirted with him, NOT sex talk but just flirting. After a couple of nights I felt as if his replies are getting serious. More than that I got to know he's newly married. He told me that himself and asked me if it would be a problem. Not wanting to make him feel bad I replied in negative, saying it's not a problem. Now he's gotten really into me and I don't have any feelings for him. Moreover I'm feeling guilty like crazy ever since I got to know he's married. He's 22. I'm 19. I didn't expect a 22 year old dude to be married.
PLEASE HELP ME OUT!!

I haven't contacted him since five days and his offliners on yahoo are sounding delusional now.

Umair

Ola Umair! You said he asked whether his marital status would be a problem. But problem for what? When you guys chatted initially, what was that you both looked forward to, what did you guys want those night calls to transform into? So I’m assuming three possible scenarios – a relationship, a hook up or a platonic friendship.

It is obvious that you were not expecting a relationship from him. But I’m not sure whether he is looking for that. If he is, then you gotta let him know that you are not interested in having affair with a married guy.

If you guys had hit it off hoping to end up in bed (before he revealed his marital status), I think you should go forward. If the married guy is fine with it, why should you be feeling bad? It is his concern and even if you choose not to accept his invite, I’m sure he will find another guy and satisfy his needs. In most cases, this will be a onetime thingy and suppose if you both enter into ‘a friendship with benefit’ deal, even then I would say go for it. Again, it is his concern.

Now the third scenario i.e., a platonic friendship which I don’t think is that much of a possibility. Even then if that is indeed the situation, why should you run away from it? You might be a relief for him coz he finds you comfortable enough to open up and share his feelings. Even I think 22 is too early for a guy to get married (may be he was forced? I dunno. I’m just trying to imagine different possibilities.) But I definitely want you to respond to him. And if possible, try to have a meet with him. Often what we expect and what we get in real are quite different and puts things in a different perspective.

And please do let us know what you decided to do finally. Any readers wanna share their wisdom?

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Ask Sam: Closeted But Acting Homophobic

I haven't come out of the closet and am pretty uptight about not letting anyone guess the truth unless I want them to. That's why I act a bit homophobic around my friends cause it feels like the ultimate safeguard to not let them suspect. But I feel terrible whenever I pass a comment like "That's so gay..." or calling a friend a fag when he wears a pink tee. What should I do?

Leo

Leo, I know how uncomfortable and insecure you feel about being gay. One of the greatest issues of us closeted gays are that we always feel we are being watched and constantly have the urge to protect ourselves and not let out even a single hint that we are gay. Our movements and thoughts become so constricted. Majority of us (closeted homosexuals) prefer not to react when subjected to something that relates to homosexuality. We are scared to raise our opinion thinking it would ultimately lead to outing ourselves. But then there are some, which is your case, who finds cover by acting homophobic. I’m glad that you realize what you are doing is wrong and wish to stop it. Because your actions are in a way helping to spread homophobia and also you may never know there may be someone getting hurt by your comments.

First thing you should do is to resist the itch to show people that you are a homophobe. You don’t need that false-safeguard. For the time being, the ideal approach could be to force yourself to keep mum when the situation makes you uneasy. Second, you need to be comfortable with your sexuality. However hard it might seem, try to accept and embrace your sexual orientation. Make yourself believe that here is nothing unmanly about being gay and you are as equal as your straight pals. And once you reach a stage where you don’t feel ashamed to tell yourself that you are gay, when a discussion or casual conversation regarding homosexuality happens among your peers, try to voice your genuine opinion. This is the age where straight people take courage to talk supportive about gays. So don’t be surprised to find some of your friends backing your point of view!

As usual, I request readers to put forward your thoughts at the comment section and help our Leo to overcome his dilemma.

I dedicate this post to a crazy fan of CSB whose birthday is falling on 2nd December. He was concerned about the lack of new posts appearing on this site. I hope he liked this early birthday gift! :-)

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Ask Sam: Gay Or Not

Recently, I was chatting with a guy who had an issue about identifying his sexuality. He is 25 years old.

I'm really confused about my sexuality. If you ask me, I don't know whether I'm straight, gay or bisexual. Once I met a guy from online with the intention of having a relationship. We became very close. But when it came to sex, I started feeling hesitant. At last I agreed to do it, but I couldn't enjoy and I had to stop it in the middle. I had no such problems when I did it with a gal. But I do not understand why I keep searching for a guy, I'm so confused.

When I probed further, I came to know that he has no brothers or sisters. He has many friends but he couldn't find anyone suitable to be close with. I'm no psychologist, but I being the only child, I know how frustrating and lonely one can feel in his shoes. To tell you the truth, I always wished for a brother, an elder brother. So what I understand from this guy's situation is that since he was the only child and he didn't have any close buddy, he was trying to fill that void by searching for a guy with whom he can share some intimate feelings, like those straight guys feel for their best buds.

Last week I happened to see a beautiful sight. A guy came and hugged his friend from behind and both of them stood like that for some time. They were not at all feeling conscious of what the public might think (in fact, the people there didn't mind at all!), unlike gays who find even holding hands to be horrific. As usual, I started feeling jealous for the guy who was being hugged because I wanted to be that guy and also the other guy was looking so damn good! :P

In my opinion, we all yearn to be touched by people whom we care and love. It makes us feel wanted and important. And for guys, after their infancy, they count on siblings and close friends to give this. When they don't get that, there feel an emptiness, something missing in their lives. Girls usually don't feel the void because of the "sisterhood" they develop with their mothers. That's why I'm of the sentiment that if the firstborn is a male, you just gotta have to push down one more!

Coming back to this guy, I told him, instead of searching guys for relationships what he really should be doing is to find a guy for intimate friendship, with whom he could give and get all the attention and care. I also suggested to him not to be quick in labeling himself as gay or bisexual because as far as I can see, he is just like any other straight guy.

So I would love to know your opinion regarding this. What do you have to say about his situation?

By the way, there is this another guy who says he is not born or made gay, but he feels like he could be gay when he reads this blog. Hmm.. are you telling me this blog has the magic to convert straights now? :P

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Ask Sam: 4th Time Unlucky?

A couple of days ago, a reader from India sent me this following email. To protect the identity, the content is slightly modified.

Hi Sam, I have a friend who is in a relationship. But as it turned out, his boyfriend wants to get married to a gal because of family pressure and now my friend is being ignored by his boyfriend. I have told my friend that he better break off with that guy because his intentions seem doubtful. But he is so reluctant because this is his fourth relationship which would be going down the drain. I tried telling him there is still hope to find some one better, but he seems to have lost all hope. I have tried talking to him a lot. Finally he did agree to break off with the guy but he says he wants to live alone. I know I must respect his decision but he is a very nice guy and I want him to meet someone good. Now the advice I want is on how to change his mind, i.e. how to make him feel hopeful again?

Concerned Friend

With a warning that my mind was not wired to give sensible advices, let me put down my thoughts on this issue.

People tend to take stern decisions when they are hurt. But most of the time, that sternness seems to wear off as the time progresses, as their frustration calms down and they make peace with their inner selves. You say that it is his fourth relationship that is going down the drain. But in India, he must understand, most of the gay relationships are subjected to lot of hardships (sorry for being realistic) from the moment it is blossomed because of the Indian social setup. Otherwise both of them should be that determined and strong to face the challenges. And so, relationships failing, is not actually his fault. And it is my personal judgment that if you want to be in a relationship, a bisexual man might not be your safest bet for a "lovers forever" deal. Bisexual men will be having the lesser resistance to say 'No' to their parents when they bring a marriage proposal.

I would advice your friend not to lose hope because of four failed relationships. Some have experienced more than that and in tragical ways. I'm forbid to go into detail. But even after going through all that, it is amazing to see them moved on and optimistic about life. As they say, is a life without hope worth living? But also waiting for love to happen is just a waste of time, because most of the times, love happens when you're least expecting. Your friend therefore should concentrate on other things, not think about relationships at all, give himself time to heal and not jump into taking hasty decisions.

I know I haven't touched much on "How to make him feel hopeful?", but I guess I was able to give something which might be found useful. Any of you care to chip in (which was the whole point for this post) and help our Concerned Friend?

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Ask Sam: Help Thy Gay Friend

Hey! I am 23 year old female lining in US, I find your blog very interesting. I have a Desi gay friend who is not out but I found out he is gay by accidentally reading his chat conversation. Well, not accidentally I intended to read it. Lol.. Anyways I know he is hurting and I want him to know that I am there for him. I don't know how to approach this matter. I want him to feel free and open up to me. Your comments will be greatly appreciated. I have changed my name just in case he visits your blog as well.

First of all, thank you very much for your interest in my blog. I'm really happy to know that and it's so nice of you for wanting to help your friend out.


When I read your mail, I couldn't help relating your friend's situation to that of mine, during the time when I was out to nobody. The secret in me was causing so much hurt to such an extent that day and night I was suffering. That's when Phoebe noticed my uneasiness and she asked me what was the matter. I chose not to tell her. I thought she wouldn't get me. But you know what she did? She was not ready to accept my "nothing" and the following days, kept on asking me about what was that bothered me so much. She told me, no matter how bad I think the issue was, sharing it with someone could help lessen the pain. And that's when I chose to come out to her.

I think you can also take a similar approach. You said he is not out to anyone. So I'm guessing that could be the reason, that there is no one whom he could share his thoughts. Don't let him know about the chat conversation, but you can tell him that lately you have noticed him being worried and that you are there for him to discuss about it. Like me if he refuses, you can always try to be with him and build him the confidence to open up. And if he tells you to guess it out by throwing hints (like what happened between me and Phoebe), don't straight away jump to homosexuality. Lol! That might freak him out.

I hope I was helpful. Any of my readers care to put in their two cents worth?

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