Opening That Closet Door

As you all know, last week I came out to my mother. I and my mother are fine now. My mother may have a long way to go, to finally be comfortable with all this, but I for one have stopped feeling guilty. I wish to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your heartfelt responses and support. And especially to Nick for this sweet gesture. The following is a clubbing of dialogues that happened between my mother and I over the past few days.

She was in the kitchen.

"Ma, can you come to my room now? I need to tell you something."

"Yes, what is so secret about it that you want me to come to your room?"

"You will understand. I don't want father to know. Come fast!"

Also I figured, kitchen could be quite hazardous for what I was about to do. Once we got it into my room, I closed the door. She found it strange that I'm behaving unusual and was giving a half laugh.

"Ma, you may not like what I'm going to say now."

"Is it about your job?"

"No.. something personal."

"A love affair?"

"No Ma. I'm afraid when you hear it, you may even cry. But don't make a big scene and let father know."

Those smiles faded away. "Yes tell me, I won't cry."

"I know you will, but even then I have to say this to you. But before that let me ask you, are you stiff on wanting grandchildren?"

"Well.. There is no tenacity that I want grandchildren."

"Then what about my marriage?"

"Yes, on that I'm. You need to get married."

"Well.. that's the problem. I don't want to get married.. I'm gay."

She drew back in shock. I could see from her face that she didn't expect this at all. But then she found words to say, "You could be just feeling that. It must be nothing."

"No ma, this is not just a feeling. This is not something I'm doing on an impulse. I've been thinking about how to tell this to you for a long time."

"So what are you? A man or a woman?"

"I'm still a man. But it's that I don't feel attraction towards gals. I feel that only to guys."

"Is it because of watching all those Friends and Will & Grace?"

"No ma. I had known about this, way before watching those."

"When did you start to feel like this?"

"Well.. way before my teenage. But that time, I used to think that I could be the only one having this kind of feeling. But when I got internet, I realized that I'm not the only one and that I'm called gay."

"So is there someone?"

"No." (I didn't think it was good to reveal to her that I've slept with some men.)

"Are you sure marriage is not at all an option?"

"Ma even if I do marry a gal, I will not be able to fulfill all her desires. And that is just unfair to her, don't you think so? Since Indians are not open to talk about homosexuality, many guys will be afraid to tell to their parents. So they agree for the marriage and then without the knowledge of their wives, they continue sleeping with men. I don't want to betray someone like that. I can never imagine doing that to a person knowingly. There are many instances of failed marriages because of this. Not getting married is much better than ending up in divorce, right?"

"Yeah, that's true."

"You must be remembering that scene from Honeymoon Travels Pvt Ltd. where the husband confesses to his wife that he is gay."

She couldn't recollect and so I showed her the video that I posted here.

I wanted her to know that this i-am-so-cool-about-being-gay was not something that I achieved overnight. "I have always shared everything with you and Pa. But this is something I couldn't, even though I wanted to. When I began to feel attraction towards men, I was first confused. I didn't want to feel that way at all. I couldn't understand what was wrong with me because my friends were crazy about gals and I wasn't. There were times when I had been in serious depression. You and Pa must not have noticed it. But it took me several years to finally accept the fact that what I'm feeling is completely natural."

I then asked, "Did you ever feel even the slightest of indication that I could be gay?"

"No.. but when your that friend visited... "

"Who?"

"Jay."

"Yeah.. what happened when he visited."

"Well.. I thought he could be one."

"Haha! Jay? Not at all!! He even has a girlfriend. But he knows." (I guess his metrosexual appearance misled her. He is that same friend I was talking about in this post whose coin-slot I got to see. :P)

There was a pause. "Ma, how do you feel?"

"I don't know. But these people are always affected with AIDS."

"That is just a misconception. Not every gay person could be carrying AIDS. Then what about those who appear straight and married, but continue sleeping with men?"

"But how will you deal with our society?"

"Ma I'm not going on telling everyone that I'm gay. In fact, only very few friends know about this. But don't let Pa know."

"Then?"

"Next year, may be."

Her eyes began to fill up.

"I told you, you will cry. What were you thinking now?"

"Nothing."

"Tell me. I need to know."

"I was thinking about you becoming this way."

"Ma, it is not bad being gay. This is not some disease. It's very similar to some people being left-handed." I continued, "Anyways, my worst fears didn't come true. I thought I could be kicked out of the house, in which case I was planning to take refuge at Phoebe's place."

"Oh, I would not be doing all that!"

"Hmm.. I will show you another clip where an Indian guy film himself coming out to his mother."

And I put the video that I posted here.

My mother then asks me, "Do you get attracted to every man?"

"No Ma, let me put it this way. Did you feel attraction to every guy when you were young? No, right? And did you wake up one morning and decide to get attracted to men? No, coz it happened naturally for you. It is the same in my case too, I didn't choose to be attracted to men."

"Then what about your madness for actresses like Aishwarya, Preity?"

"I like their beauty, that's all. But straight guys will feel some other thoughts too."

I had read from one website that during the coming out session, the roles of the child and the parent gets reversed and it really did happen here. By the way, I came across the following video during my Orkut-surfing and I thought it would be great to feature this here. I should probably show this video too to my mother, which enlightens the viewers that being gay is as normal as being straight.

The following video is available in HQ (press to enable) which means, you can put it full-screen (press ) without losing much clarity!

I'm sorry this is in Hindi. For the non-Indian readers, let me give you an outline of what was happening in the video. The first guy, Manish Sharma, came out to the world during an earlier episode of this show, which is called Salaam Zindagi (Hello Life). He says a lot of gays contacted him after that, and he counseled a number of people who were not willing to have a proper life due to family and societal pressures. Manish's family was very supportive. Prior to his coming out, his aunt used to force him for marriage. But when she saw the show, she came to him, gave him a hug and very affectionately told him that she was proud of him for his courage and for not choosing to get entangled in relationships which he would not be able to carry forward.

The second guy is Deepak Kashyap. He is a gay rights activist from India. He quotes the words of Swami Dayanand Ji, "If any matter begins to trouble you, then it means that you don't know completely about it or you know the truth, but do not wish to accept it." Deepak says he used to go to temples and churches and scream to God that it was all God's fault. But later he realized that we cannot blame anyone for being gay when he knew that homosexuality was not a medical disorder and that 10 percent population of animal kingdom goes "the gay way" and there is nothing much you can do about it. So he personally believes that he found the truth and accepted it. His both parents too have accepted this truth. His father had told him earlier that, if one is not causing any harm to the environment, to oneself and to others, then we all have the full right to live the life, the way we want. Deepak reveals the saddening fact that 85 percent of Indian gays are married and in that 85 percent, 90 percent are still actively gay even after the marriage. He also feels lucky to find that each and every friend of his had no qualms in accepting him and his sexuality didn't matter to any of them at all.

Check out these related posts too!
And I Came Out To My Mother
The Safe First Step I Took To Come Out To My Mother
Gays And Mothers

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And I Came Out To My Mother

Why did I do it now? I don't know. But I knew I had to do it some time. And what if that becomes too late or if I didn't get a chance later? It's been quite a while I felt that I have the strength to uncover this truth to my mother. I was aware that she will be hurt, but then my inner voice told me that I should tell her. And that is what happened yesterday.

But why do I feel now that it was better if hadn't told her? I can see that she is completely devastated. She is slowly recovering from the numbness and now that everything is beginning to sink in to her and feeling the blow of the situation, she no longer can hide her tears from me. No matter what I say or how hard I try to console her, I know I'm not being helpful. She now has to deal with the harsh reality that the son she knew of, is no more. I asked her whether she thought it was better if I hadn't told her the truth and she nodded 'yes' amongst the tears. She doesn't think of me as a pervert or that I'm sick. In the end, she wants me to be happy with my life. But she is distressed that I would not have a marriage and about the reasons to come up with to handle our relatives when they start pushing proposals. What worries her most is that I may end up being alone and no one would be there to take care of me during my old age. Even though I see that as a probability, I didn't want to make her feel that I agree on that. It kills me to see that I have brought such infliction on her and I see myself going back to that phase when I used to feel guilty of being gay.

A word of advice to all who anticipate of coming out to your folks at some point - dare to take that road only when you are perfectly comfortable of your homosexuality. I thought I was, but now I'm starting to have doubts on that.

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The Safe First Step I Took To Come Out To My Mother
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The Safe First Step I Took To Come Out To My Mother

Like me, if you are thinking about how to escape from the parental pressure to marry an opposite gender in the near future, there is only one way. Come out to to your parents. Don't lie, don't lead a double life, tell them the truth. Your homosexuality is a part of you and suppressing it could only result in pains and not just for you, but for all the people who are close to you. And in my opinion, a parent has every right to know about this part of their child.

A brilliantly executed scene from Honeymoon Travels Pvt. Ltd.

Suppressing your homosexuality could only result in pains and not just for you, but for all the people who are close to you.
True, all parents dream of their child's wedding and wait anxiously to spoil their grandchild with all their love. But I don't think any parent would want their son or daughter to take a path that could result only in agony and frustration. Why make them feel guilty in future when in fact you could have prevented all the throe if you had the balls to come clean to them. And while coming out, the last thing you want to happen is your parents getting all worked up because of some misapprehensions regarding homosexuality, thanks to our media. So it is our responsibility to give them a vivid thought about homosexuality - that it is not some disease, that being gay is not equivalent to being affected with HIV or AIDS, that how gay people can look absolutely the same as any straight person you pick from the crowd, and that how the love between two men and between two women being no lesser that than the love between a man and a woman.

But how to make our parents understand all these without putting doubt in their minds that you could be gay? One of my friends chose to come out to his close friend by making him read about homosexuality from a book. Do not do something like that to your parents. It could only expose yourself to the question of why you are making them read and that in turn could force you in confessing the truth when you are not even ready. The best option is to arrange a situation where you and your parents could watch something that handles the subject positively in a non-thrusting manner.

Will & Grace is a good option, but if sitcoms are not their cup of tea and if they do not get the gay jokes and puns, I don't think they will be interested to sit through the entire 20 minutes. I used to make a big deal about Friends and Will & Grace to my mother and she finally succumbed to the curiosity and we used to watch these sitcoms together. (We have also watched Three's Company, Full House, Small Wonder, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Who's The Boss? and Seinfeld.)

Reema Kagti's Honeymoon Travels Pvt. Ltd. is another good choice, but I feel it is packed with tales of so many people that one may fail to give deserving importance to the message it tries to give out regarding gays. Even then, this one is highly recommended.

The two movies I mentioned in an earlier post, Mambo Italiano and A Love To Hide are also good ones, but I have no idea why I missed one absolutely brilliant movie which is just perfect to show to your parents without putting your sexual orientation on the confession table. The movie is called Wedding Wars. Its story revolves around a straight wedding where the question of gay marriage is thrown in. And by doing that, the movie enlightens the viewers about the whole gay concept without being all gay-pushy. It deals with two brothers finding hard to accept each other because one is gay, a son coming out to his parents, the love between two gay men and the social chaos created when a governor goes against gay marriages to ensure the safety of his voting bank although he supports gay rights (an Obama situation). Now you will ask me, with so much of gay ingredients put in, how can I say that this movie is not gay-pushy? I think that is the skill of the writer, Stephen Mazur and the director, Jim Fall. They (together with all those superbly talented actors including John Stamos) maintained a delicate move. At IMDB, even though this movie is categorized as comedy, in my opinion it's the perfect gay-friendly straight movie which was bold to bring together gays and politics without offending anyone.


I remember when I watched it for the first time a year ago, I was like, "Wow! What a perfect movie to show to my parents!!" And last week that's what I did, well.. to my mother at least, coz it is almost impossible to force my father to watch an entire movie unless he is inside a cinema hall. During the movie when the governor declares his disapproval towards gay marriage, my mother had a surprised laugh. I don't know whether that laugh was for the awkward moment that developed between the two brothers or she actually felt that the governor was being unfair. The movie has a happy ending, and my mother and I were smiling. And nope, she didn't ask me why I put this movie and I'm sure I was able to show her that side of gays, which I want her to associate with, when I come out to her in the future.

Although no one can be a perfect guide on how to come out to ones parents, friends or co-workers, there are ways that you should never take, no matter how tempted you could be. Cosmopolitan in their 12th Anniversary issue (Ah! That was one heavy loaded one!) exposed four ways you should avoid at any cost when revealing your alternate sexual orientation.

1. Never come out over the phone.
2. Never come out in anger.
3. Never come out through third party.
4. Never come out in revenge.

If you want to read their take, turn to page 374 of this year's October issue of Cosmopolitan (Indian edition) OR.... Guess what! You can read the online version from here! Now didn't I tell you, Cosmopolitan is for the fun fearless gay male?

And there are some movies which you should try to keep out from your parents' vicinity - Tarun Mansukhani's Dostana, Karan Razdan's Girlfriend*, Gautham Menon's Vettaiyadu Villaiyadu* are some of the popular ones.

By the way, if you are thinking about coming out to your co-workers, let me tell you it will not be a safe bet. I prefer coming out to my close friends and parents,and I would try to stall endlessly on doing the same to co-workers.

* from the sentiments of many gay Indians.

Disclaimer: I understand that the living and social situations of many gay youth will not be the same as mine. The views expressed in this post should be taken only as suggestions, the end decision is left to your discretion.

I dedicate this post to our Indian Army, National Security Guard commandos and Mumbai Police force for their brave and courageous act in flushing out the terrorists from Mumbai, India.

I support Vishal Dadlani's cause to file petition against Indian TV News channels regarding their unethical conduct during the reporting of Mumbai terrorist attacks. If you support the cause, visit http://smallchange.in/ to sign the petition. Also I request you to refrain from discussing this issue (whatsoever your stand is) in the comment section.

Check out these related posts too!
Gays And Mothers
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Gays And Mothers

Recently one of my friends, who is from Mexico had to come out to his mother because his ex-boyfriend threatened him that unless he got back together with him, he would let my friend's mother know about her son's sexual preference. Even though he wasn't planning of doing it in the near future, but in order to take away the power from his ex-boyfriend of hurting him and his family, he came out to his mother. But this turned out to be a blessing in disguise instead. She accepted the truth and told him if that’s the way he chose to live his life, and if he was happy, then she didn't have anything to say about it. She also said to him that he needn't worry about his ex-boyfriend contacting her because she just wouldn't let him get to her.

And after reading RambWS's come out (his very first!) to his mother, I thought I could share here some experiences that happened with my mother.

One time my mother was talking to me and a folder suddenly popped open and there she sees all the scantly dressed men in all their erotic poses!! Eeeks! I don't know how she felt about me. And there was another time when she caught me watching a straight porn. I was watching a guy banging a gal and I was so immersed in appreciating the beauty of the act that I didn't hear the sound of the door opening. And then I heard her voice, "What are you watching?" I closed everything and looked at her. She was smiling. Again I don't know what she thought about me. May be I am now giving her mixed signals.

Then another time, when I and my mother were watching T.V. I was just flipping through the channels and suddenly I stopped, seeing a news report about gays in India. I wanted to watch, but knowing that my mother was also in the same room, I changed to the next channel. (I used to watch Will & Grace with my mother, though.) Later I posted this experience to a gay forum and among the many responses I got, this was the outstanding one:

Hi. I am unable to post on the forums but I saw your thread about coming out in India. I am Indian and came out to my parents almost 14 years ago. First to my mom and then she told my dad. Trust me, it was no big deal. If your parents truly care and love you - then they will not even care if you are gay. Mine cared about me ending up alone, but that's about it. I'm even out to my grandparents and all my cousins, aunts and uncles. Yes sometimes people pass a comment or so, but be secure with yourself and everything will be fine. Also remember one thing. Parents have a special bond with their kids. So if you are thinking your mom already doesn't know, then you are wrong. She does know you are gay. All mothers do. It's nothing you can change, nor can your parents change it about you. So next time you are caught in an awkward situation with your mom watching gay stuff on the T.V, then how about smiling away and asking your mom right there, "What do you think about this?" See how she reacts. Maybe she encourages it and that would make it a lot easier for you to come out. There is nothing to be ashamed of in front of your parents. If you are gay and you know it, then it's a big part of your life that your parents deserve to know of as well. By not telling them - you are just lying and keeping them in the dark, giving them false hopes for your future. I am not pushing you to come out - it's totally up to you - but put signals out and see how they react before you take the big step of coming out completely. Good luck.

Amazing, right? It's heartening to know some Indian parents are accepting homosexuality even though there is lot of homophobia and misconception about gays.

Summer In My Veins (1999) is a short documentary film in which Nishit Sharan, a gay Indian who was studying film-making in Harvard, films himself coming out to his mother. The documentary also deals with his anxiety of having slept with a guy who was infected with HIV.

To view the video below, enter password as 'samsbloginess' (without the quotes) and press the play button.

I hate to end this post with a sad note, but Nishit Saran was killed three years later on April 24, 2002 in India when the car in which he was a passenger was hit by a truck. The Nishit Saran Foundation is set up by his parents in his memory.

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You Are Gay!

Every homosexual soul's important chapter of his/her life would be the time he/she decides to reveal that secret. Most of us would not dare to do an announcement to the whole world, instead we choose that one person whom we feel the most comfortable to talk to. I seriously thought I would never have the courage to open up to someone regarding this. During pre-college days, though I had some serious crushes, the friends I had then were unfit for such a revelation. I saw the light of hope of gaining some trustworthy friends (mostly gals) only when I reached college. Even then, I always had the impression that my first coming out would be to a guy. The time was acting really bitchy then, making me feel guilty, making me go insane. I so desperately wanted to end this game of acting, pretending to be someone that I was not.


One afternoon, we were having a free period. So I called my friend, Phoebe and we both sat on an empty bench. She had noticed my uneasiness during the past couple of days and was pestering me like anything to spit it out whatever I was having in my mind. I gave her a build up so as to make her know that the issue was not a frivolous one. When the time finally came to unveil the secret, I lost all my courage to word it out. Hence she had to throw situations at me for which I had to say yes or no. Minutes passed and she was not even getting anywhere near to it. I told her to imagine the most unlikely things that she could associate with me.

So she asked, "You have AIDS."
"No."

"err.. you killed someone?"
"No."

"hmmm... you are gay."
"Yeah."

I could see her eyes popping out with disbelief, "What!??"
Still not getting convinced, "Are you sure?"

It took me some time to actually make her understand that I wasn't joking. (I guess I am that straight-acting!) But then she began to see the reason why she felt that I was different from the rest of the guys on some level. She was totally supportive with the whole issue. To this day, I believe that was one of the wisest decisions I have ever made - choosing her to come out. This experience gave me the confidence to come out to another three gals and then finally to a guy!

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