Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Have You Got What It Takes?


Though I detest looking for guys from dating sites, in India that could be the only safest go. You needn't worry about your gaydar malfunctioning or trying hard to flirt with the cutie to let the bum know about your infatuation towards him. But finding guys from online has its drawbacks. Since it is not a face to face, many uncertainties remain unanswered. And finally, you meet the guy in real and get the shock of your life! Don't worry. Follow my simple yet powerful, step by step strategy to cushion that blow.

1. Browsing the profiles
I'm expecting a decent write up of the person. Long, I mean really loooong profiles bore me. Same goes for those who are having an inflated idea about themselves. And no pictures of genitals and butt. I also don't want to see pictures of men (or women) indulging in their sexual pleasures. I ain't here for porn, I have heaps of it in my comp.

2. IMing the subject
At this point I'm expecting a clear photo of him. Don't try to fool me by showing some hottie's pic. I have scaled this internet far and wide that I would be able to know whether it is fake or not. Also A/S/Ls really piss me off. So do those questions about the length of my shaft and "Are you top or bottom?" And don't expect me to share my previous experiences. Those are my personal stuff and I don't have to prove my sexual proficiency to him. The "dear" usage is a total turn-off. Guys who make me wait 3 or more minutes for their reply gets my delete. Most of the time, this leg becomes the last one for many candidates.

3. Phoning the guy
The dudes who have cleared the previous round is subjected to yet another even tougher one. But I can be easy on them if they call me first and not waiting for me to call them. And here I'm faced with the breed "missed-callers" who give me missed calls to call them. No doubt, they too get my delete. Also, guys hoping for a phone-sex will be seriously disappointed. I have had many where they would throw the hints here and there, trying to make me arouse, but I would pretend that I'm not getting any of them. For the rest of the guys, this is the opportunity for me to know the real deal. I check out his voice (strong, deep and masculine would be perfect!), the way he talks (sissy and clingy guys, sorry!) and how interesting he is to carry forward the conversation (sense of humour is a plus!)

4. The meet!
If we find we are comfortable in our phone chats, this will be the ultimate and final test! The most scary part is when the guy wants to talk gay stuff in public when you know the people setting next could hear us well. Sorry, I'm really concerned about what people think about me. I try to tell him that I'm feeling uncomfortable, but if he continues to show off his gay pride, then he can continue doing that. But don't expect me to see him again. I will be watching his mannerisms. Nose picking, sneezing without covering, slurping while drinking and eating, body odour.. all can seriously gross me out. I expect him to be well mannered and if he hasn't got that, then he is not worth my time.

So have you got what it takes to be my ideal date?

And now you may ask me the benefit of following such tight checks?

Check out these related posts too!
The Mostly Unfabulous Social Life Of Crazy Sam
More Blah!

  • Anonymous June 18, 2008 at 8:37 AM

    Sammy, hold on a little longer. You know that with such strict checks, you're gonna land yourself no-one less than Prince Charming himself! :)

  • closetalk June 18, 2008 at 10:00 AM

    oops. are ya still in india, then? for some weird reason, i thought u were one of us strange currently-non-resident bharatiyas! :)

    o, and i know wat u mean, of course. been there, done them/THEM! :) how strange, i used dat same pic (with the writing) on an old blog post of mine, which was on a kinda-similar topic. hehehe. small world.

  • pepe M. June 18, 2008 at 10:40 AM

    whoa sam!
    based from those criteria, i deduce you are so bottom hahahahahaha! just kidding!

    i found myself nodding to all the numbers!

    and yeah, during my G4M days, i broke so many hearts coz of number 4! i always told them anyways that we are better off as "sisters" :)

  • pepe M. June 18, 2008 at 10:44 AM

    * sorry, i mean number 3!
    PS: can you program your site not to divert as to another page wen we post a comment so that we can always refer to the post:)

  • Rambunctious WhipperSnapper June 18, 2008 at 9:03 PM

    I totally get your screening process .... but since I still haven't even started using these sites i dunno abt the exp ... but ya ... i did surf some profiles and boy .. there is so much crap out there .... :P ...

    And as a general rule .. i never call back people who give a missed call ... it's such a BIG turnoff ....

    p.s. Samuel, you need to update often .... not just every fortnight ... you help a lot of us find our voices .... ure like the gay barack obama ... :P

  • Soul Seared Dreamer June 19, 2008 at 10:05 PM

    I think I have a similar screening process - turth was I'd rather be single than coupled with someone completely wrong - good on you for having standards :o)

  • Sh@ney June 20, 2008 at 7:00 AM

    Aweee babe, while your standards may provide a wee bit of an obstacle or make it a little bit harder to find someone, I am glad you have your morals & hope you hold them no matter what!

    One day someone charming will knock your socks off. Until that day be careful but just enjoy yourself. *winks*

  • Anonymous June 20, 2008 at 10:31 AM

    That's a very thorough and fool-proof screening process.

    You may want to relax something here and there in it, if you're still reading it in 20 years and wondering what went wrong :)

    Do you satisfy ALL those conditions? Or are you a proud hypocrite?

  • Hish June 22, 2008 at 5:14 AM

    Love the last few lines... :P

  • Rohan June 22, 2008 at 11:25 PM

    Straight to the point :)

    Love the post.

  • Queer Ranter June 23, 2008 at 11:46 AM

    I don't know why but online profile is not really my thing. I'd rather meet people in person.

  • Crazy Sam June 23, 2008 at 8:29 PM

    Orange: I too hope that way, but this wait is starting to get on my nerves. :S

    Closetalk: Great minds do think alike, don't they! :D
    Yes, I'm very much in India.

    Pepe: Ok I have changed the settings. So try commenting now. I guess this was what you wanted, right? ;)

    Whippy: Whoa! You are giving me credit that I don't deserve at all! But your words definitely made my day! Gay Barack Obama! LOL! Seriously what's with you and Obama! And you don't need me to find your voice. You've got loads of it that most of the time I turn to you for inspiration.

    Amit: Hmm.. because of these standards, nowadays the only coupling that is happening is with my hands. :D

    Sh@ney: You have no idea how desperately I want that day to happen! *sigh*

    Unsungpsalm: That's the question I also asked myself when I typed this. Yes, I satisfy all these conditions. Otherwise I wouldn't have put them here. And I don't always rigidly follow all the checks. But even then he would be so badly wanting to prove that he is a jerk. What can I do! By the way, I have also met few who satisfied all these conditions. If you see the related posts, you can see what happens between us ultimately! :(

    Hish: I knew you didn't see that coming! :P

    Rohan: Thanks dude! :)

    Queer Ranter: Searching guys from online is not my thing too. I hate it to the core. I prefer meeting guys in real, feel the chemistry then and there and proceed! But considering the place where I am, it is like expecting too much.

  • Rolling November 26, 2008 at 12:17 AM

    Dont worry, with women it's as bad. Do you realize someday you and we might be fighting over the same guy and u wth ur muscles might actually win everytime, if not the guy, atleast the battle by 'deleting' us all off?
    And yes, those checks produce the same results most of the time: single and at home, bloggin ;)

    O yes and 'dear' is such a turn-off for women too, why do they do it if even men dnt like it!

    U write well, and have plenty of attitude for a slip of a 23 yr old.Am glad to have stumbled here.

  • Crazy Sam November 26, 2008 at 11:16 AM

    Rolling: I think much of the usage of 'dear' comes from the letter writing when we say 'Dear Sir', 'Dear Ma'am' etc. But these people then start using that word for chats too!
    Another word that turns me off is 'da', which is a Malayalam/Tamil word for 'dear' (well.. let's say it gives almost the same meaning.) Although I don't feel put off if it is used during Malayalam conversations, it gets on my nerves when they use it with English.
    "How are you da?"
    "What happened da?"
    Gross! I lose all the interest to chat with him after that!

  • Rolling November 27, 2008 at 12:46 AM

    :) I ike "da" tho, it I thought was equivalent to Bangla "re" (pronounced as "ray") meaning "hey"

    Didnt realize it had to do with "dear" or "honey".

    U neatly avoided the idea abt u and me fighting over the same guy at some age?! hm...

  • Rolling November 27, 2008 at 12:49 AM

    age here refers to time period not age as in "umr" number of birthdays one has had

    some ebloggers have opn Id enabled - not name URL, how does tht work please? why does WP ask if I want to export my ID there? I dont! Just want to be able to cmmnt. u said u r a techie, wd u know? If u do wd u tell - pl?

  • Crazy Sam November 27, 2008 at 7:52 PM

    Yes, "da" could mean that too.

    Haha! You wanna discuss that guy situation? But I didn't quite get what you meant by, "atleast the battle by 'deleting' us all off?"

    Rolling, OpenID makes your commenting task very easy. Since you have a WordPress blog, the username for your OpenID is your blog name itself. So if WordPress asks you to export your ID, you can safely say yes.

  • adi February 12, 2009 at 1:26 PM

    hmm i had a few bad experiences with online dates and i think of having these checks in place.

  • leo November 22, 2009 at 11:32 PM

    wow...you quite summed up everything that pisses me off about the online Indian gay world...but I'd like to add some more:
    1. BAD grammar and language, in general(lotsa ppl ask me for my 'states'(maybe gujjus)....apparently, they mean 'stats' i.e. your height, weight, cock length, complexion, waist size, foot size, hair colour....lol...)
    2. using lingo like kewl for cool..God!it sounds so twisted..
    3. professing their love for you when you've barely chatted twice over the phone(happened to me with 3 guys)
    It's pathetic how crude and unpolished some people can be...
    btw I'm glad I came across your blog!!was tired of reading stuff about gay rights and rainbow parades in all the other gay blogs...It's like, don't gay people have a life outside of being gay??

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