Thursday, October 18, 2007

The Realization


The Year was 1998. Month, June. I was in 9th standard then. Another ordinary day and the class was going on. Then a new face stood on the door. He was so charming! I kept looking at his face and I couldn't just stop gazing at him. The teacher told us that he was a new student and she asked him to take a seat. Even though there was no space on my bench, I kept wishing to make him sit next to me. In the end, his eyes caught the vacant space on the bench behind me. "Damn it!"

The class resumed. But I couldn't just concentrate like before. Something very different just happened inside me and it longed to look at his face one more time. So with much difficulty, I looked at him, but soon had to send my eyes towards the book. Again that strange feeling. God.. What is happening?? He is a guy for heaven's sake! But I had to look at him. This time he saw me. Busted! He didn't smile and I quickly buried my head in the book.

During the break, while others were busy getting acquainted with him I stood among the group listening to what he was babbling. I didn't know what to ask him. Then I heard that his house was near to mine. Voila!! Excuse me, give way to Sam.. Time to make an official entry into his life! So we talked. That started the journey of a beautiful friendship. Pretty soon... I mean, really awesomely pretty soon, we became inseparable. My mornings became the joyous affair when he would come to my home and we both ride to school and evenings became the most hardest part of the day when I had to part him. I hated the weekends because those days didn't allow us to meet and I would anxiously wait for Monday to come, to hear his cycle-bell ring.

I was actually confused too see this unusual conduct of me. True, I always felt that I had a strange thing towards men. I always found myself weird that I was trying to imagine how would that hidden fruit looked like whenever I saw a guy wearing jeans or why was that the guy's crotch so inviting in those underwear ads. I can recollect an incident when I was traveling with my parents. I was in the backseat looking outside the window. Suddenly a biker was trying to overtake our car. Instantly my eyes went to his crotch and I was staring at it and then when I looked up, I saw that he had seen me looking and was giving me a foul look. I got so scared and looked away from him.

With Pete, I was feeling much more than that.. like I wanted him to be mine, I felt like he was my everything and days would seem dull without seeing his face. I wanted to hug him tightly forever. His smile and those caring eyes always flashed in my mind. I would twitch and turn on my bed unable to understand what was happening in me. I considered myself to be insane for having these kinda thoughts. C'mon! I am a guy and I am supposed to feel all this towards a gal, not to a guy.. Seriously, what's wrong with me??

In those days, I never knew that such a bunch called "homosexuals" existed. I always felt that I was the only one feeling like this, the only one in this WHOLE world. My exposure to outside world was limited. Everywhere I looked, guys were talking about Sophie's boobs or Maria's ass. I never heard anyone talking about Tony's pecs or Robin's bulge. Things started getting clear to me after two years when I got internet connection and I was like, "WHAAAAOWW!! This means I'm not the ONLY ONE!!"

I came out to Pete last year. He was absolutely shocked and dumbfounded. I also told him that he was my first crush. We still keep in touch, but I do not have those feelings towards him now...

Today was my current crush's 26th birthday. Well.. more about him later.

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  • Anonymous July 27, 2008 at 10:04 AM

    Oh... I was kind of hoping he'd turn out gay too.
    Though it's amazing that you could tell him and that you're still in touch!
    And yes, I so totally remember those days as well. It was so hard, trying to find a girl attractive, but being unable to. I did, actually, but purely on the basis of intellect and nothing more.

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