Thursday, March 13, 2008

Gays And Mothers


Recently one of my friends, who is from Mexico had to come out to his mother because his ex-boyfriend threatened him that unless he got back together with him, he would let my friend's mother know about her son's sexual preference. Even though he wasn't planning of doing it in the near future, but in order to take away the power from his ex-boyfriend of hurting him and his family, he came out to his mother. But this turned out to be a blessing in disguise instead. She accepted the truth and told him if that’s the way he chose to live his life, and if he was happy, then she didn't have anything to say about it. She also said to him that he needn't worry about his ex-boyfriend contacting her because she just wouldn't let him get to her.

And after reading RambWS's come out (his very first!) to his mother, I thought I could share here some experiences that happened with my mother.

One time my mother was talking to me and a folder suddenly popped open and there she sees all the scantly dressed men in all their erotic poses!! Eeeks! I don't know how she felt about me. And there was another time when she caught me watching a straight porn. I was watching a guy banging a gal and I was so immersed in appreciating the beauty of the act that I didn't hear the sound of the door opening. And then I heard her voice, "What are you watching?" I closed everything and looked at her. She was smiling. Again I don't know what she thought about me. May be I am now giving her mixed signals.

Then another time, when I and my mother were watching T.V. I was just flipping through the channels and suddenly I stopped, seeing a news report about gays in India. I wanted to watch, but knowing that my mother was also in the same room, I changed to the next channel. (I used to watch Will & Grace with my mother, though.) Later I posted this experience to a gay forum and among the many responses I got, this was the outstanding one:
Hi. I am unable to post on the forums but I saw your thread about coming out in India. I am Indian and came out to my parents almost 14 years ago. First to my mom and then she told my dad. Trust me, it was no big deal. If your parents truly care and love you - then they will not even care if you are gay. Mine cared about me ending up alone, but that's about it. I'm even out to my grandparents and all my cousins, aunts and uncles. Yes sometimes people pass a comment or so, but be secure with yourself and everything will be fine. Also remember one thing. Parents have a special bond with their kids. So if you are thinking your mom already doesn't know, then you are wrong. She does know you are gay. All mothers do. It's nothing you can change, nor can your parents change it about you. So next time you are caught in an awkward situation with your mom watching gay stuff on the T.V, then how about smiling away and asking your mom right there, "What do you think about this?" See how she reacts. Maybe she encourages it and that would make it a lot easier for you to come out. There is nothing to be ashamed of in front of your parents. If you are gay and you know it, then it's a big part of your life that your parents deserve to know of as well. By not telling them - you are just lying and keeping them in the dark, giving them false hopes for your future. I am not pushing you to come out - it's totally up to you - but put signals out and see how they react before you take the big step of coming out completely. Good luck.
Amazing, right? It's heartening to know some Indian parents are accepting homosexuality even though there is lot of homophobia and misconception about gays.

Summer In My Veins (1999) is a short documentary film in which Nishit Sharan, a gay Indian who was studying film-making in Harvard, films himself coming out to his mother. The documentary also deals with his anxiety of having slept with a guy who was infected with HIV.

To view the video below, enter password as 'samsbloginess' (without the quotes) and press the play button.

I hate to end this post with a sad note, but Nishit Saran was killed three years later on April 24, 2002 in India when the car in which he was a passenger was hit by a truck. The Nishit Saran Foundation is set up by his parents in his memory.

Check out these related posts too!
You Are Gay!

  • Queer Ranter March 14, 2008 at 12:00 AM

    That's some solid advise on coming out. Totally agree on mothers knowing if their sons are gay. They just know somehow.

    I personally think being out is important. I kinda outgrew my closet...

  • Soul Seared Dreamer March 14, 2008 at 11:27 PM

    I agree.. that is solid advice.

    I put hundreds out signals out there and even before I officially told my aunt.. she knew and I knew she knew.. we just didn't talk abou it. My mum bless her was clueless.

    As with QR I outgrew my closet.. but I would never say that you HAVE to come out.. you don't. You will when your ready and I wouldn't advise you to do it even a second too early.

    One of my mates ***** (I don't want to use his name here) has outed himself and his parents whilst not loving it are okay with it.. and yes he is ASIAN. Shocker.

  • Rambunctious WhipperSnapper March 15, 2008 at 4:37 AM

    Hey thanks for mentioning me :P .... Don't knock yourself for not coming out ... You will know when to do it ... When you have that feeling in your gut ... Not that I am an expert .... And I used to watch Will & Grace with my mom too!!! How gay are we? :S ...

    Nishit's movie was really good ... Thanks for that link .. I've been wanting to watch it for ages.

  • thanks... July 8, 2008 at 9:41 PM

    I am a gay Indian, 19 and have come out to two straight male friends and my brother. This post, especially the comment in the grey box touched me so much, I had tears in my eyes. Once I asked my mother what she would do if she had a son like "Bobby Darling" (he/she was on TV once). She said she would accept him/her. Although I am not transgendered or feel uncomfortable about being a boy, I was glad to hear that. I used to feel very distant from my parents even though they are the most loving in the world just because I hid this secret. Your post strengthened me, thanks. I´ll come out to them soon when my heart tells me it is the right time.

  • Diran October 7, 2008 at 10:56 PM

    ur lucky ur mom understands u...not many are like that...

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