Wednesday, March 18, 2009

And I Came Out To My Mother


[Image] Crazy Sam's Bloginess: Mother kissing baby

Why did I do it now? I don't know. But I knew I had to do it some time. And what if that becomes too late or if I didn't get a chance later? It's been quite a while I felt that I have the strength to uncover this truth to my mother. I was aware that she will be hurt, but then my inner voice told me that I should tell her. And that is what happened yesterday.

But why do I feel now that it was better if hadn't told her? I can see that she is completely devastated. She is slowly recovering from the numbness and now that everything is beginning to sink in to her and feeling the blow of the situation, she no longer can hide her tears from me. No matter what I say or how hard I try to console her, I know I'm not being helpful. She now has to deal with the harsh reality that the son she knew of, is no more. I asked her whether she thought it was better if I hadn't told her the truth and she nodded 'yes' amongst the tears. She doesn't think of me as a pervert or that I'm sick. In the end, she wants me to be happy with my life. But she is distressed that I would not have a marriage and about the reasons to come up with to handle our relatives when they start pushing proposals. What worries her most is that I may end up being alone and no one would be there to take care of me during my old age. Even though I see that as a probability, I didn't want to make her feel that I agree on that. It kills me to see that I have brought such infliction on her and I see myself going back to that phase when I used to feel guilty of being gay.

A word of advice to all who anticipate of coming out to your folks at some point - dare to take that road only when you are perfectly comfortable of your homosexuality. I thought I was, but now I'm starting to have doubts on that.

Check out these related posts too!
The Safe First Step I Took To Come Out To My Mother
Gays And Mothers
You Are Gay!

  • Derric March 18, 2009 at 11:13 PM

    Bravo, thats what i can say..for your guts to do what you just did. I understand its painful time for both you and your mother but be happy that you have got it over with. There are many people including me that are still in closet and i dont think i need to tell the frustration we go through.
    Yes currently you might feel bad, that it was not time to come out, but believe me everything turns out for the best....believe me.
    Time heals everything.

    And no doubts be comfortable & HAPPY


  • Eric March 19, 2009 at 4:48 AM

    Were I 100% out to everyone, I would absolutely go into photography and try to take pictures of models... but I'm not, so I use my own blog as a massive outlet.

    I think it's brave what you did. I only wish we lived in a society where people understood some people are born this way and others aren't. I never hear of mothers crying for having their children born with green eyes or being left-handed.

    I guess maybe the prospect of not being able to continue the family line is what really gets at people.

  • Anonymous March 19, 2009 at 10:52 AM

    Well Sam,
    It's brave of you that you faced the truth, many of us can't do tht even we try hard.

    Don't worry, time is the best medicine. And about being lonely, who isn't? Even if you are straight and have kids, later they will leave you alone for their dreams. So stop worrying about future and live today.

    All the best.

    P.S. I know i sounded like the guru or giving free advice....but i couldn't help it. Sorry abt it :)

  • Arshad March 19, 2009 at 11:18 AM

    In the end, she wants you to be happy with your life!

    Thing that hurts more a mother is not that her son is not married but her son is not happy!

    As a TRUE MOTHER, she did her part. As a son, all that you should do(try to do)is not to let her know that you are not happy.

    Hope you find happiness!

  • Rambunctious WhipperSnapper March 19, 2009 at 12:58 PM

    Hey Sammy ...

    You absolutely did the right thing. Your Mom might hurt at first but she will be happy to know the real you in the long run. I understand it's not going to be easy but you did the right thing. When your inner voice tells you its time, you know it's time. Plus trust me on this one, you will never be alone. There is someone out there waiting for you to find him.

    You took the right step.


  • Nigel March 19, 2009 at 2:08 PM

    I had a very similiar experience with my mother a few years ago. You are doing the right thing. If your experience is the same as mine then expect the next phase to be that your mother starts try to work out 'why' you are gay, where she has gone wrong in bring you up, etc. You need to support her through this difficult stage, explaining that she is a wonderful mother - and that being gay is just a fact of life.

    You also need to reassure her that you have not changed. You are the same person she loved, and that you are not about to become camp as christmas or dressing up as a woman.

    She will come to terms with what you have told her, and before long she will be actually fully accept it and love your more as you will be able to share some of your currently hidden life, with her.

    For me, it took about 2 years, but now my mother treats my partner as one of her sons as well.

  • P.Brownsey March 19, 2009 at 7:28 PM

    Here are two true stories from my own coming out, 30+ years ago, here in the UK.

    My mother responded much like yours. She wrote saying she was not going to contact me again until she could understand why I was ruining my life. After a few days she relented but didn't want to talk about 'it'. Eighteen months later, though, when I told her I was flying to Italy with 'Jim' from an airport near her, she suggested meeting up for a meal with us, 'to see us off'. "Ay, ay," I thought; "That's mother checking out the son-in-law." And then she couldn't stop saying how nice he was, and would come and stay with us for visits. And when one of my uncles said, "Well, Paul can come to visit because he's family but not this Jim," my mother went to war for us and said "Well, I shan't go to visit, either, until he welcomes you *with* Jim."

    My mother's sister's first response was almost as bad: hysterics about how 'one of you has got to pretend to be a woman.' A hear or two later, when we went to see her, she made her double bed over to us for the stay, saying, somewhat awkwardly, "Well, you are like a married couple."

    May similar things happen to you.


  • Final_Transit March 19, 2009 at 7:43 PM

    Hi Sam, good to discover your blog. And I hear ya, I was there only few months ago. Are you serious about your closing lines, or was it just out of guilt for the pain it caused to your mom... :)

  • Gauss Jordan March 19, 2009 at 8:29 PM

    I went through the same sorts of things when I told my parents a month ago. I'm 26, moved out years ago, am successful in my career and life (with the exception of dating), and when I flew home to tell them, I choked up a little. My mom immediately went to "You lost your job?" quickly followed by "You're sick?"

    "I'm gay" wasn't what they were expecting, and apparently was a shock. We talked for a couple of hours, and I insisted that we go out to dinner afterward. The next morning, after I'd flown out, I learned that it finally settled in. My Dad was moved to see a therapist (he'd never been before in his life). My Mom was calling my dad in tears, and calling me in tears.

    A month later, things are better, but still not the way they used to be. In fact, they were supposed to come out to visit today, but that may or may not happen thanks to flight issues...

    My takeaway from this experience was that my parents still see me as their young son, to be protected in the world, and taught what is right or wrong. They also have (for better or for worse) a somewhat shallow view of homos, due to TV, or whatever other experiences. We need to work through that a bit... I mean, my mom actually asked me if I wore women's underwear. Hopefully we can laugh about that sometime in the future. I don't, for the record. ;-)

  • Gauss Jordan March 19, 2009 at 8:46 PM

    Hey, I got so swept up in telling my story (i really need to write an entry on this) that I forgot to say "congrats!" It's a big, big deal.

    And having an Indian mother, I can sort of imagine what you're going through.

  • Anonymous March 19, 2009 at 9:52 PM

    OMG Sam, I'm soo shocked and moved and admire your courage! That was soo unexpected and I did not see it coming...

    As they've all said, time will make things better. Not perfect, because things never will be with our lot, but better. And I'm sure you won't regret it. One can resent being gay, but one cannot regret being out to someone who's close to you... of course, at the right time.

  • nick March 20, 2009 at 1:54 AM

    My darling Sam,

    First of all, I admire the courage you have to make this bold decision that faces so many gay men around the world.

    Secondly, it will all seem to hurt at first. You mum will in time get over this and learn that you're pretty much the same son she's always known. Yes of course she is going to be disappointed about your marriage etc, but in time she will learn to accept you as you are.

    Things may be hard at first Sam, but the most important part is to be happy with how you live your life - coming out may seem like the hardest thing you've ever done, but believe me, things only pick up from here.

  • Rakesh March 20, 2009 at 1:55 AM

    She will go through the stages of shock, fear, denial, indifference and acceptance. It may take years, but you have to be strong in your convictions and believe that being honest to your parents is better than lying to them about such an important part of yourself.

  • Crazy Sam March 21, 2009 at 6:23 AM

    First of all, I want to let each one of you know how grateful I'm for taking your time to respond to this post by sharing your thoughts and experiences. Thank you very much. I'm truly touched.

    Derric, thanks for your concern. I will try to be comfortable and happy.

    Thanks Eric. I explained to her that this is as similar as some people being left-handed. She didn't have any problem with the family line getting discontinued. But it's her concern about me on how I will cope with the homophobic society and relatives, and I being alone that worries her.

    BK, When kids leave us for their dreams, if we are straight, we are not actually becoming alone coz we have our wives. Anyways, I know time is the best medicine. I too have to get used to the fact that now my mother knows and right now, I feel really uncomfortable when I think about that. And thanks for the free advice! :D

    Thank you Arshad, hopefully this feeling of guilt is a momentary phase. But every time we discuss about this, she ends up crying. And again the guilt surfaces. She is too worried about me and I've told her that she is thinking too deep in to the future.

    Thanks Whippy. I too wanna believe that I will never be alone. I know my mother will feel so relieved the moment I tell her that I've found my guy.

    Nigel, that's really nice of your mother! Yes I'm aware of what I should be doing each time I have a talk with her. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

    Wow Paul, that is really amazing! Thanks for sharing your stories.

    Hi Priyank, thanks. Nice to have you here. :) Well.. it was just out of guilt for the pain I caused to my mother. I hope this guilt-phase is just temporary.

    Hey Gauss! Yes, you did end up writing a blog entry here. Thank you so much for that. My mother now sees me as her loving son who needs to be protected from the homophobic society. Sadly, that is what now plagues her mind. By the way, women's underwear?? When I came out to my mother, she asked me "So.. are you man or woman?" LOL!! :P

    Thank you Unsung. Right now I regret of both being gay and being out to my mother. Hopefully pretty soon, I will be able to get rid of these remorse feelings.

    Thanks Nick, I don't know whether it was the courage. But I knew it was the right thing to do.

    Thanks Rakesh. Even though I want her to take her own time, I really hope that she gets comfortable with this as soon as possible.

  • Nipun Goyal March 21, 2009 at 1:24 PM

    Hey Sam, sorry to know that your mom didn't take it too well. But you're not to blame for that. Your responsibility as a son was to let your parents know the truth about you, and that you've done, inspite of all the others who beat about the bush and lead dis-honest lives. I'm proud of your courage and moral uprightness.

    Notice here that your Mom's two biggest worries are that

    1. What will your relatives say
    2. The possibility of you remaining single always

    Now, I'm sure your Mom loves you better than to worry more about other people's concerns than your own happiness... try telling her to prioritize on this issue.

    About your remaining or not remaining single, that's as likely even if you were straight (Although we agree that 'arranged' gay marriages don't happen in India!)

    It's good that she doesn't think of you as a pervert on religious grounds. You need to be patient with her. Educate her. Make her read related literature and watch instructive films. Don't hesitate to contact me for details on that.

    You've taken a great step by telling your Mom about a fundamental aspect of your life and you should be proud of youself. Believe me, a few years down the line, there won't be a single regret, just happiness that you did it!

  • Anonymous March 21, 2009 at 7:38 PM

    Hey Sam, I'm sorry things are really tough for your family right now. I guess you just have to have the faith that things will turn out better.

    Maybe you should try to provide as many resources to your mom as you can - perhaps some movies, books and then she will realize that it isn't as bad as she thinks it will be for you.

    Let her take her time to get comfortable with it. Till then do as much as you can to help her come to terms with it.

    And hang in there buddy. It'll turn out just fine, even though that might be a distant dream right now.

  • Diane J Standiford March 22, 2009 at 9:23 AM

    Good for you, Sam! You will come to embrace yourself and so will your mom. We would be lying if we didn't admit that we hold some of those same fears about being gay, but those situations can happen to str8 people too. You must be you. My partner's mom lost her HAIR and it NEVER grew back and she hated me every day I was with her daughter. (30 years in June) LOL But she came to accept.

  • Hish March 22, 2009 at 1:20 PM

    I hope you're doing alright, or at least better since the time you posted it.

    I really don't know what to say that would make it better, so I won't even try to discuss the what-ifs and the many potential outcomes.

    Just know that I think you're an amazing, unique person of worth and that you and your mom deserve the greatest of happiness, especially if it can be derived at least in part from your love and relationship with each other.

    After all, happiness can live in the same person who also carries sadness in them.

  • Billy March 23, 2009 at 4:48 PM

    Sam, nice to read your 'world' a bit. Will be back for further visits.

    As for coming out to your folks, can I give you my own history. Have very conservative religious parents and I came out to them when I was 18. The whole tearfull thing happened, Dad did the silent treatment and my sisters (bless them) tried to accept things but it was hard.

    Fast Forward to the end of last year. My hubby of many years passes away and my mom and I cry together for him. My dad cannot speak trough his tears at his memorial service and my sisters are broken because we all lost a part of our family.

    Time heals and also shows people (like our parents) that we are not 'freaks' but normal people that just happen to love someone of the same sex.

    Good luck to you, and I hope that your mom get's to just love you, nothing more, nothing less...

  • pepe M. March 25, 2009 at 5:15 PM

    i dunno what to say...all im hoping is sooner or later i wish i could have the same couarge to do that...

    you take care buddy!!!

  • Crazy Sam March 27, 2009 at 6:44 AM

    Thank you Nipun for the support. How I wished India had 'arranged' gay marriages! LOL!!

    Hey Orange, thanks buddy. Yeah I told her that I could give weblinks and other resources to make this easier. I have already shown her some clips and I hope they helped.

    Thanks Diane. I know certain situations take time to get comfortable. By the way, you and your partner are together for 30 years? Wow! That's awesome!

    Yes Hish, I'm doing better. Actually I'm doing way better. Thanks for your concern and I really appreciate your well wishes.

    Billy, first of all I'm really sorry to know the loss you and your family have experienced. I really hope that time must have helped to lessen the pain that you all endured. And thank you very much for sharing your world with me.

    Yo Pepe! Thanks. I too hope that you get the courage to come out.

  • Anonymous April 1, 2009 at 12:27 PM

    you are nothing without a mother.........
    need bpo jobs without a single rupee!!!!!!!! a genuine job from home.

    Work from home

  • Anonymous January 12, 2010 at 2:15 PM


    I know it was an awful experience for both of u, but I'm happy u finally did it. It would really take a load off ur chest.
    Time heals everything...


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