Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Ask Sam: Gay Or Not


[Image] Crazy Sam's Bloginess: Gay Or Not

Recently, I was chatting with a guy who had an issue about identifying his sexuality. He is 25 years old.
I'm really confused about my sexuality. If you ask me, I don't know whether I'm straight, gay or bisexual. Once I met a guy from online with the intention of having a relationship. We became very close. But when it came to sex, I started feeling hesitant. At last I agreed to do it, but I couldn't enjoy and I had to stop it in the middle. I had no such problems when I did it with a gal. But I do not understand why I keep searching for a guy, I'm so confused.
When I probed further, I came to know that he has no brothers or sisters. He has many friends but he couldn't find anyone suitable to be close with. I'm no psychologist, but I being the only child, I know how frustrating and lonely one can feel in his shoes. To tell you the truth, I always wished for a brother, an elder brother. So what I understand from this guy's situation is that since he was the only child and he didn't have any close buddy, he was trying to fill that void by searching for a guy with whom he can share some intimate feelings, like those straight guys feel for their best buds.

[Image] Crazy Sam's Bloginess: Best Buds

Last week I happened to see a beautiful sight. A guy came and hugged his friend from behind and both of them stood like that for some time. They were not at all feeling conscious of what the public might think (in fact, the people there didn't mind at all!), unlike gays who find even holding hands to be horrific. As usual, I started feeling jealous for the guy who was being hugged because I wanted to be that guy and also the other guy was looking so damn good! :P

In my opinion, we all yearn to be touched by people whom we care and love. It makes us feel wanted and important. And for guys, after their infancy, they count on siblings and close friends to give this. When they don't get that, there feel an emptiness, something missing in their lives. Girls usually don't feel the void because of the "sisterhood" they develop with their mothers. That's why I'm of the sentiment that if the firstborn is a male, you just gotta have to push down one more!

Coming back to this guy, I told him, instead of searching guys for relationships what he really should be doing is to find a guy for intimate friendship, with whom he could give and get all the attention and care. I also suggested to him not to be quick in labeling himself as gay or bisexual because as far as I can see, he is just like any other straight guy.

So I would love to know your opinion regarding this. What do you have to say about his situation?

By the way, there is this another guy who says he is not born or made gay, but he feels like he could be gay when he reads this blog. Hmm.. are you telling me this blog has the magic to convert straights now? :P

Check out these related posts too!
Ask Sam: Help Thy Gay Friend
Ask Sam: 4th Time Unlucky?

  • Jackdaw May 12, 2009 at 10:41 PM

    Hi Sam,

    Being an only child I have always wanted a brother, preferable an older one. At the time I developed a very close friendship with a (straight) fellow student that need disappeared. So, I can totally see what you mean, and I think you are right.

    I think you gave the guy some great advice!

  • Anonymous May 13, 2009 at 2:51 AM

    Sam - I too am an only child 28. In college when I first realized I was attracted to my room mate I felt quilty. I also was frighten as hell about being gay. I, too had to stop in the middle of sex when we tried it. Years later I realized it wasn't "brotherly love" I desired - it was a need for the "fatherly love" that was never fullfilled. I think lumping unhappy and unsuccessful youthful gay sex attempts as "seeking brotherly love" is overly simplifying a complex issue. A major factor during/after a man's first sexual contact with another male is GUILT. I believe to wash away all the deep and complicated issues of a young man's first go at gay sex by implying that all the young man is looking for is the love of a brother simplifies serious issues.

    Regards - and I still think most of the "straights" who read you are not totally "straight". I still think you need a photo of a hardon to test them!

    Finally, hoping to avoid appearing to be kissing your ass, you have one of the top ten blogs in town my friend. I am in awe of your talents .... Zachariel the Angel

  • Anonymous May 13, 2009 at 8:07 AM

    Hey Sam,
    I'm in total agreement with Zach's comment. But then, your advice was also perfect.

    If he acquires a male close friend, and spends time with him, his feelings will evolve in a manner that will ascertain his sexuality and leave no shadow of doubt.

    Having the urge to experiment so much can certainly not mean that he's straight. Yes, there is a lot of guilt and discomfort otherwise too, in first experiences...

  • Anonymous May 13, 2009 at 12:13 PM

    I think you should read my boyfriend's case along with this.
    [I don't know if I can still call him my boyfriend]

    He says he is not gay. But he loves me and we have sex. But I can feel that he is anxious about gay sex. And recently he has a girlfriend! I've found him dig straight porn and he feels for other girls at times and never for any other boy. But we still have sex!!

    What do you think about this?

  • Mac Callister May 13, 2009 at 11:43 PM

    maybe your are right,but maybe he really likes to be with guys he is just not ready for sex.

    that guy could take your advice first and see what happens if the yearning will be solved by having a close buddy

  • Anonymous May 14, 2009 at 9:07 AM

    Hey Sam,

    Long time since u posted something here...was waiting to see something up here....neways..coming to the issue here..

    Well, I sort of feel that you might have given this other guy the right advcie but then there is another side to this coin. I remember when I was very new to having sex with guys it the first thing that came up in my mind was the feeling of Guilt and I used to brush that aside with a lot of things (one of them being, I was an alien and so this was happening with me..)and many others like this...but that was coz I did not know much about there being many others like me who do this...now coming to the situation here, this guy as far as I can infer is that he knows what it means to be gay and he knows that there are many other people who do this and in our community it is deemed not to be right and so he just wants to wash his hands off it...Coz if one is looking for some1 in whom one can confide about it would not matter if it is a Guy or a girl, I have a younger sis and an elder brother, although we are very close and cant live without each other I have never felt the need to confide in to them, Coz freinds do take care of that person in life. I do have freinds who are the only child, and never felt any gay tendencies from them, I grew up with this freind of mine(like 14 years of our life we were neighbours, same age and I was open to him about this, we did many things together, but when it came to sex it was just straight sex for him.

    So, I guess either he is just trying to wash his hands off or he is testing, but then u rightly said that he should not term himself as being gay or bi so early a stage.

    Happy Blogging...looking forward to more posts


  • Crazy Sam May 15, 2009 at 7:34 PM

    Jackdaw, Zach, Unsung, Mac, P.. Thank you guys for sharing your thoughts. Yes, GUILT - the emotion every homosexuals go through. May be he was having guilt when he tried to have sex with that guy. I do not know, coz my thoughts didn't go in that direction during our chat and until Zach pointed it out. As far as I can remember, I didn't have any guilt when I had my first experience with another guy coz my sexual phase came only after I removed the guilt of being gay and had started seeing gay sex as nothing to feel repentant about. But I did have uncomfortableness initially because that time my naive heart desired to indulge in those activities only after I embraced a relationship.

    I agree with Zach that, saying attempts to have gay sex seeking brotherly or fatherly love is oversimplifying a complex issue. That's why I told the guy not to be quick to label himself as gay. But I do believe that a man definitely needs another man to confide, not sexually.

    P, I never tried to imply that a guy with no siblings had a better chance to turn out to be gay. But if he didn't form a close bond with another male, he could feel a void and girls won't substitute it.

    Now Yadhu, I used to chat with a guy some years ago and his boyfriend was like yours. His boyfriend wouldn't sleep with any other men, but him. Actually they are best friends and this guy is gay while his best friend claimed to be straight. So what you are saying is nothing new to me, but I don't know what happened to them. But the way I see your situation (I'm largely speculating here and saying what I feel from heart. It's your discretion to think on it or dismiss it.), for your boyfriend, sex with you is an extension of the intimate friendship that you guys share. Whatever gay inclinations that your friend has, he would show it only to you. For another guy to see this side of his, your boyfriend should be able to develop a friendship that is as close as the one he enjoys with you. He will fall for gals (Yes I know he already has fallen for one.) and most likely marry a woman. Even then, he would not want you to go away from his life either. He would still consider you as his closest friend and entertain sexual pleasures with you even though he is married. But you would never be able to get the perfect 'gay boyfriend' out of him. You should ponder on how it will affect you when he gets burdened with family and responsibilities.

    Once again, thank you everyone for your support!!

  • zayir ali May 19, 2009 at 6:07 PM

    great blog

  • Shaheryar Ali May 20, 2009 at 5:31 PM

    I tend to agree with Zack! I think this guy has un-resolved issues.
    No str8 guy will long for a man! In the way he is searching.
    If you would have chatted with him, regarding homosexuality, or his sexual preference , chances are that you could have discovered , he has unsolved dilemma.

  • Jason_M May 25, 2009 at 3:06 AM

    He sounds basically straight to me. But as you say, the gay/straight duality should become less and less stringent as possibilities open up.

    I also think many, many (most?) men yearn for close male friendship; often they don't know how to express that yearning. The standard male bonding activities are a part of it but also a substitute for men being able to be emotionally close. Father stuff, as we in the West say. The emotionally absent father can lead to a void -- and by the way, I think that makes a case for making sure that there are a number of adult men in a boy's life (birth to adolescence) to give him affection, and show him the varieties of ways of being male.

    Now, this guy may find after exploration that his emotional and affectional life is with men. He may also find that he is not going to partner with anyone. This happens! Like the rest of us, he has to feel his way, and the more taboos that are down, the better it will be for the ability to explore honestly.

  • Crazy Sam May 26, 2009 at 5:51 PM

    Thank you Zayir! :)

    Shaheryar, I agree that he has unresolved issues. But I'm not sure whether he is longing for romance or friendship from a man. He did have a relationship with a guy, but he didn't feel comfortable when he had to sleep with him. Again, I do not know whether that was because of guilt. Only he would know. But definitely the first step is to find a close male friend.

    Thank you Jason, you have put it perfectly!

  • gaypedia June 23, 2009 at 2:26 PM

    Nice Post

  • Abhishek October 28, 2010 at 2:49 PM

    Hi, felt quite good after going through this conversation.I would like to add my experiences too.

    Most of the earlier comments put through say that guys who do not have siblings are the ones who feel that emptiness or void.

    I do have have siblings, but still feel the void. Actually I have a younger brother & an older brother. My experience says that in a traditional family the elders among the siblings get all the command whereas the younger ones get all the love & affection. Leaving the middle ones alone. No matter how hard they try to seek attention of their parents &/or their relatives, they are just looked down.

    This might be one of the reason of feeling empty which might in-turn result seeking the same attention outside the family.

    Another experience that is worth sharing here is: Though I had people around me in school, college etc. I never found a long-term friend who I could totally rely on.

    By friend I do not mean people you are just acquainted with. For me friendship has a much deeper meaning than just knowing a person.

    Though I have had good friendships, it didn't last long enough. The most important point to be noted during those short durations of intimate friendship is that whenever I started a new friendship the feeling of being sexually attracted towards a guy subsided to a certain extent. I actually stopped checking out guys during that initial courtship involving a new friend.

    I believe friendship surely has some connection to being gay. In-fact the time when I accepted my homosexuality was the time when I was totally friendless and my initial motto to be on sites such as gaydia or planetromeo was to find a good friend. which then got converted into a search for a life partner.

    I don't want to say that being friendless is the reason for being gay, but I want to stress that indeed there is some connection.

    After accepting my sexuality and after knowing many gay people, now I don't feel the need of abstaining from the attraction towards guys even when I have good friends around.

    I know that I am gay, and would like to live life with a gay partner.

    But the quality of the discussions like the one above, helps a lot in understanding one's sexuality.

    Thanks Sam for starting such a discussion

    Abhishek Koli

  • Gay Chat March 16, 2011 at 2:39 PM

    beeing gay or not is more the way you accept your slef you cant like sex with boys with out beeing gay or bi

    you can try it once or a bit more but then you know if you like it or not and if you like so so you are .....or ....

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