Saturday, August 23, 2008

Ask Sam: 4th Time Unlucky?


Crazy Sam's Bloginess

A couple of days ago, a reader from India sent me this following email. To protect the identity, the content is slightly modified.
Hi Sam, I have a friend who is in a relationship. But as it turned out, his boyfriend wants to get married to a gal because of family pressure and now my friend is being ignored by his boyfriend. I have told my friend that he better break off with that guy because his intentions seem doubtful. But he is so reluctant because this is his fourth relationship which would be going down the drain. I tried telling him there is still hope to find some one better, but he seems to have lost all hope. I have tried talking to him a lot. Finally he did agree to break off with the guy but he says he wants to live alone. I know I must respect his decision but he is a very nice guy and I want him to meet someone good. Now the advice I want is on how to change his mind, i.e. how to make him feel hopeful again?

Concerned Friend

With a warning that my mind was not wired to give sensible advices, let me put down my thoughts on this issue.

People tend to take stern decisions when they are hurt. But most of the time, that sternness seems to wear off as the time progresses, as their frustration calms down and they make peace with their inner selves. You say that it is his fourth relationship that is going down the drain. But in India, he must understand, most of the gay relationships are subjected to lot of hardships (sorry for being realistic) from the moment it is blossomed because of the Indian social setup. Otherwise both of them should be that determined and strong to face the challenges. And so, relationships failing, is not actually his fault. And it is my personal judgment that if you want to be in a relationship, a bisexual man might not be your safest bet for a "lovers forever" deal. Bisexual men will be having the lesser resistance to say 'No' to their parents when they bring a marriage proposal.

I would advice your friend not to lose hope because of four failed relationships. Some have experienced more than that and in tragical ways. I'm forbid to go into detail. But even after going through all that, it is amazing to see them moved on and optimistic about life. As they say, is a life without hope worth living? But also waiting for love to happen is just a waste of time, because most of the times, love happens when you're least expecting. Your friend therefore should concentrate on other things, not think about relationships at all, give himself time to heal and not jump into taking hasty decisions.

I know I haven't touched much on "How to make him feel hopeful?", but I guess I was able to give something which might be found useful. Any of you care to chip in (which was the whole point for this post) and help our Concerned Friend?

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  • Oxy August 23, 2008 at 3:26 AM

    (Finally he did agree to break off with the guy but he says he wants to live alone) - I would advice him to do that.. It isn't a big deal anyways and all that blah blah-ing of 'We need someone in life' is cliched. Do have friends around but live alone. Nothing beats that.

  • Kris Bass August 23, 2008 at 4:51 AM

    Well, look.. I think that staying single is cool if you are okay with it. I also claim that a relationship with someone who you love (reciprocally) is better than staying single.

  • Anonymous August 23, 2008 at 7:12 AM

    That was brilliant advice Sam. My exact thoughts, and I wouldn't have managed to put it any better.

    They key is not being alone during that period. The key is being with a group of people around you, as frequently as possible.
    Loneliness can eat you up for the few weeks that follow, and that is as it is something he'll have to go through during the nights. Why during the day as well?
    Maybe someone can live with your friend's friend for a week or so to give him company. It's inconvenient for folks to do such things, but it is a matter of friendship.

  • Rambunctious WhipperSnapper August 23, 2008 at 7:45 AM

    Dear Concerned Friend,

    The first thing is to be there for your friend which we can see you are doing.

    Right now, all the talk of finding other people etc is only going to bum him out.

    Let him get over his loss and he'll jump back into the mud pool of gay dating again.

    Untll then he can concentrate on other things in his life.

    Just my two whippesnapper coins.

  • pepe M. August 23, 2008 at 12:45 PM

    been with a "bi" "relationship" for 5years and 1 fine morning, after a mindblowing sex, he told me: i dont feel what you feel anymore (translation: he's getting married)...

    i me weird but i dont see a pussy COMPETITOR...

    i guess your friend has nothing to whippy said, am sure he'll be on the dating game again...

  • Anonymous August 23, 2008 at 5:16 PM

    Hi Sam,

    I feel that bi-men are scary and one must avoid them...Because they want momentary fun and you end up feeling like a loser!

    I have been a regular reader of ur blog and must say have thoroughly enjoyed it...can I please get ur gmail id so that I can add u...or u can add me...mine is
    I'll also add u on facebook.

  • savante August 24, 2008 at 7:45 AM

    Great advice. Not sure what to add though since he just broke it off - doubt he's feeling optimistic at the moment. Give him time.

  • Anonymous August 24, 2008 at 9:30 PM

    great advice sam. only time can wear off the hurt.

    just being around him, doing stuff with him might make him feel better. make him concentrate on his other creative outlets..

    if possible meet/talk with other guys who went through similar breakups. i bet it is not very uncommon to fall for a guy who decides to get married...

  • Prash August 25, 2008 at 1:00 PM

    I remember once saying this to Swats:

    "better be single than to be in a bad relationship" (applies to any kind of relationship be it gay or straight).

    But, I can understand the pressure from the family, friends and the fucking society...but did your friend think about the girl's life (the one he is going to get married)...I would never marry a girl just for this reason. If I was a girl, I would certainly not like my husband be attracted to men and not have a liking to me "that way"...One day or the other, the husband will say yes to the temptation and fall into the trap and go away...I am a girl and I do not see a future in that.

    Hence, I would never marry a girl as I try to put myself at her place.

    As you say, let's not judge your friend and lets respect his decision.

  • hi there! August 25, 2008 at 4:20 PM

    That was great advice!

    Did you hear about Karan Johar's next production Dostana? It's trailers were recently out, and apparently it has a hugely faux gay subplot! Imagine a masala film with Abhishek and John as leads (apparently they both pretend to gay in the film, but one isn't sure why). That's something really huge! Check its trailers on Youtube. First the parade, and now this: India's really going great eh!

  • Anonymous August 26, 2008 at 11:08 PM

    I think it's miraculous that he's having the guts to include a gay angle in his own film... But I'm sure it won't be a serious one.

    Though it's not like him to mock his own self in his own films, even though he's done it before...

  • Anonymous August 27, 2008 at 11:30 AM

    yeah Sam,
    time is a great healer.

    plus, i think what Prash's said is very true:
    "better be single than to be in a bad relationship"

  • Alexander William March 4, 2009 at 9:37 PM

    Great blog and feedback here! FYI, if you like the guy pictured here, his name is Alexander William. You can check him out at his page


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