Ask Sam: Confused About Sexuality

Image copyrighted by Gay Times | Photographed by Joe Oppedisano

Hey Sam!

I stumbled onto your blog through a link on the Saathi-IIT B Facebook page. Haven't been through a lot of articles yet but it looks pretty good.

Actually the thing is, I am just so confused about my sexuality. I'm 19 and I had my sexual encounter with a guy when I was 14 or 15. It was just about sex, no feelings or anything. We didn't even make out, just down to business! It happened so many times that I can't count. The moment we were alone in the room, I was practically ready to pounce on him. The funny thing is, at that time I didn't even know what it meant. I know its hard to believe, but I actually started getting to know about sex and stuff in high school.

I also sort of had my first crush in grade 11. It was on this guy the first day of class. I specifically remember it because I knew it was just something different. Throughout class I was trying to sneak a peak at him. It kinda washed out the same day after I went to talk to him. I've never truly liked anyone I guess. I can only remember three instances which I can say were quite strong crushes, all guys.

Needless to say, I am pretty sure I am into guys. The tricky thing happened when after a lot of denial, I finally decided to confront it and come out to a few close friends. Fortunately they were completely cool with it, and these are straight guys I'm talking about. My sister, after an initial shock and denial came around to the idea. Although she's asked me not to take a firm decision just yet and keep all my 'options' open!

I don't exactly fit the stereotype, which is why when I told people, they continuously kept telling me that its not true and just something I've gotten into my head. When I told my sis about that incidence when I was 14, she said you were probably just too horny. How do you know for sure, you've never actually been with a girl. Might be that you're bi.

I don't know if its their rambling or the fact that ever since I confronted it I've been analyzing my feelings a lot that I too believe that I've been too quick in deciding. I just wanna sleep with a girl and find out. The problem is, I am not so good with girls and being in an engineering college sure doesn't help my chances there! How will I ever know for sure?

- Confused IITian

Dear Confused IITian, it is clear from your mail that you have strong attraction towards men, which is perfectly fine.  And I applaud your courage for coming out to your sister and straight friends. One thing you must realize is, you don’t have to fit into the stereotypes if you are gay. There are many who are macho in their appearance and behaviour, yet gay.

Ask these couple of questions to yourself:

• When you see an endowed woman, do your eyes fixate to her breasts? Do you try to get a peek into her cleavage?
• When you watch straight porn, whose private parts turn you on?
• When you masturbate, try fantasizing about a woman. What would you want to do with her? Is it helping to release your load?

I know for the fact that I’m 100 percent gay. For all the above situations, a girl is a strict no for me. I live with a bunch of straight guys and I feel really uncomfortable whenever they get too graphical about a girl they have seen. But I know it’s a guy thing and I would have imagined all that if I see an attractive man.

You are just 19. A life filled with rich and varied experience is waiting for you, let it unfold naturally. Do what that makes you feel good and of course, which does not inconvenience others. And if you try to sleep with a girl just to find out whether you will like the experience, most probably it will result in disappointment because your mind will be too preoccupied in analyzing whether you are enjoying each and every act.

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