Thursday, December 3, 2009

Ask Sam: Entangled With A Married Guy

12 comments

[Image] Crazy Sam's Bloginess: David Gandhi

Ola!!
I came across your blog through some site which listed top gay blogs. I must say, they were pretty spot on by placing your name on the list. I saw that run sort of an Uncle Agony section here as well, so here's my problem that I would like to get your opinion/advice on.

I met this guy online, we talked quite a good number of times at night. I casually flirted with him, NOT sex talk but just flirting. After a couple of nights I felt as if his replies are getting serious. More than that I got to know he's newly married. He told me that himself and asked me if it would be a problem. Not wanting to make him feel bad I replied in negative, saying it's not a problem. Now he's gotten really into me and I don't have any feelings for him. Moreover I'm feeling guilty like crazy ever since I got to know he's married. He's 22. I'm 19. I didn't expect a 22 year old dude to be married.
PLEASE HELP ME OUT!!

I haven't contacted him since five days and his offliners on yahoo are sounding delusional now.


Umair

Ola Umair! You said he asked whether his marital status would be a problem. But problem for what? When you guys chatted initially, what was that you both looked forward to, what did you guys want those night calls to transform into? So I’m assuming three possible scenarios – a relationship, a hook up or a platonic friendship.

It is obvious that you were not expecting a relationship from him. But I’m not sure whether he is looking for that. If he is, then you gotta let him know that you are not interested in having affair with a married guy.

If you guys had hit it off hoping to end up in bed (before he revealed his marital status), I think you should go forward. If the married guy is fine with it, why should you be feeling bad? It is his concern and even if you choose not to accept his invite, I’m sure he will find another guy and satisfy his needs. In most cases, this will be a onetime thingy and suppose if you both enter into ‘a friendship with benefit’ deal, even then I would say go for it. Again, it is his concern.

Now the third scenario i.e., a platonic friendship which I don’t think is that much of a possibility. Even then if that is indeed the situation, why should you run away from it? You might be a relief for him coz he finds you comfortable enough to open up and share his feelings. Even I think 22 is too early for a guy to get married (may be he was forced? I dunno. I’m just trying to imagine different possibilities.) But I definitely want you to respond to him. And if possible, try to have a meet with him. Often what we expect and what we get in real are quite different and puts things in a different perspective.


And please do let us know what you decided to do finally. Any readers wanna share their wisdom?

Check out these related posts too!
Ask Sam: Closeted But Acting Homophobic
Ask Sam: Gay Or Not
Ask Sam: 4th Time Unlucky?

  • Vee December 4, 2009 at 2:22 AM
     

    High Time You Wrote A Book... On Your Experiences...

    P.S. I Can Contribute ;)

  • Anonymous December 4, 2009 at 7:55 AM
     

    good answer!

    Peter

  • Anonymous December 4, 2009 at 9:32 AM
     

    I disagree completely. The golden rule of do unto others as you would have done to you applies here. If the guy doesn't want to honor his commitment than it would seem logical that why should you! But imagine the wife. Can you look her in the eyes and tell her that you will be sleeping with her husband? There are many other 22 year-olds out there who aren't married! Just be honest with the guy about how his marital status affects your situation.

  • Derric December 4, 2009 at 7:04 PM
     

    If you have phiolosophy of not sleeping with married guys then tell him, if not go for rumbble on the bed. And as for being in a relationship, i feel you (actually both) have time in hand to decide. Take gradual steps in life.
    Both of you need to talk.

  • Rahul December 4, 2009 at 7:32 PM
     

    whatever might be the circumstances for the guy to get married....but now he is the part of one more life .."his wife".
    and i think if he keeps relations with other guys he is making himself less interested towards that girl and that will bring a big tragedy in boths life in future..(i've been through this situation so these are my experiences)
    so rather than avoiding make him understand the situation....and instead u guys can be good friends even..

  • M@rvin December 6, 2009 at 7:25 AM
     

    Sam, just wanted to say this is a wonderful blog, just what the Desi queer community needs - thanks!

  • Rambunctious WhipperSnapper December 6, 2009 at 8:44 PM
     

    @Omar, with all my wisdom of not having any experience in this area at all, this guy sounds C.R.A.Z.Y.

    You are 19. I'm sure there is lots of unmarried peen out there. As the guy in the Visa add once said, Go Get it!!

    @Sammy: I think we now need a spinoff of this blog called "Uncle Sammmy wants to hear about YOUR problems!!


    :P . . .

  • Anonymous December 15, 2009 at 4:34 AM
     

    Just for the record,if anyone likes it or not faggots, as I have been watching for a lon long time are crazy as HELL !!!!! and the more I wathc thew bitchieness of a man the more They make me sick.
    A man that allows anyone to stick anything into ther anal area will be CRAZY if he is not already. Anal by the way means GARBAGE can

  • straightloads December 17, 2009 at 10:10 AM
     

    loving your blog. I need some good advice from y' my friend... my blog is http://straightloads.blogspot.com/

    please let me know so we could work out something,
    thanks very much and keep the great job!

  • Leo December 20, 2009 at 11:38 AM
     

    Hey there, Sam...i've started a new blog called LeoSpeak.. the url is leospeak.blogspot.com....I'd really appreciate any feedback...the first post is the true story of my first-eva crush

  • H December 27, 2009 at 4:30 PM
     

    Sam! So I've been coming here often and I see you're back after a bit!
    I don't know if this advice is universal because it depends on one's belief system. Do I think it is morally OK to be with someone who's already committed? is the question one needs to ask oneself.
    I agree with the do unto others bit as well :)

  • sundaytango January 12, 2010 at 2:08 PM
     

    Sam,
    I think your answer is quite mature.I agree with u that Umair has no reason to feel guilty.

    But there is also a possibility that this married dude is quite disturbed.He may see Umair as a way out of his problems and I don't think its a good idea for him to get involved with a married man who clearly has issues

    So Umair, my take is this, if u r not obsessed with making out with this guy yet, DONT! I'm sure u will meet many more interesting guys! If u do meet him, fall for him, then u will be in a web that will be difficult for u to disentangle urself from

    Anyways good luck!
    ann


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