You Are Gay!

Every homosexual soul's important chapter of his/her life would be the time he/she decides to reveal that secret. Most of us would not dare to do an announcement to the whole world, instead we choose that one person whom we feel the most comfortable to talk to. I seriously thought I would never have the courage to open up to someone regarding this. During pre-college days, though I had some serious crushes, the friends I had then were unfit for such a revelation. I saw the light of hope of gaining some trustworthy friends (mostly gals) only when I reached college. Even then, I always had the impression that my first coming out would be to a guy. The time was acting really bitchy then, making me feel guilty, making me go insane. I so desperately wanted to end this game of acting, pretending to be someone that I was not.


One afternoon, we were having a free period. So I called my friend, Phoebe and we both sat on an empty bench. She had noticed my uneasiness during the past couple of days and was pestering me like anything to spit it out whatever I was having in my mind. I gave her a build up so as to make her know that the issue was not a frivolous one. When the time finally came to unveil the secret, I lost all my courage to word it out. Hence she had to throw situations at me for which I had to say yes or no. Minutes passed and she was not even getting anywhere near to it. I told her to imagine the most unlikely things that she could associate with me.

So she asked, "You have AIDS."
"No."

"err.. you killed someone?"
"No."

"hmmm... you are gay."
"Yeah."

I could see her eyes popping out with disbelief, "What!??"
Still not getting convinced, "Are you sure?"

It took me some time to actually make her understand that I wasn't joking. (I guess I am that straight-acting!) But then she began to see the reason why she felt that I was different from the rest of the guys on some level. She was totally supportive with the whole issue. To this day, I believe that was one of the wisest decisions I have ever made - choosing her to come out. This experience gave me the confidence to come out to another three gals and then finally to a guy!

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Obsessed With The C-Factor

I sometimes dream that I am sitting alone at a cafe waiting for my friends to turn up and a cute guy at the other end tries to make an eye-contact and then he comes over nervously, asks me a lame question. He feels uneasy and I come to the rescue and ease him. We have our small chat and we feel the spark, we feel that connection, a feeling that this is the beginning of something special, that we are meant for each other. And when it is the time to depart, we both feel powerless to walk away, looking into each other's eyes that say, "Don't go, don't leave me alone. I want you, I need you, because you are the one I have been searching for..."

But I know this would never happen to me. First of all, I am always the last one to show up in any get together. So that literally rules out the possibility of me being alone and checked out by a cute guy and second, why would a totally cute guy sit there all alone and third, I don't believe in love at first sights.


When I went to the DJ last week, I had a teeny-meeny hope of meeting a cute guy (the C-Factor rules!) and we both throwing glances at each other and finally ending up (in the bed?? Lol! I ain't that stupid!) sharing the numbers. As you already might have guessed, nothing of that sort happened although an intoxicated guy was telling me, "Dance! Dance!!" He was kinda cute.. (only kinda) And seeing another guy's reaction, I thought he lost something important and he was searching for it. I felt sorry for him and thought of asking what he was searching for. And then only I knew that it was ONE of his dance moves! Crazy boozers!!

Anyways, I was surprised to see my friend chatting and dancing with another guy. I was thinking, "Hmm... cool, it's been only few minutes and he already made an acquaintance." But after sometime, I came to know that they already knew each other. Later that night while we ate our dinner, he joined us. Boy! Can any person be louder than him! (FYI, loud people freak the hell out of me.) Wait, there is lot more.. He kept on repeating the terms 'gay' and 'my boyfriend' and other people were looking at us. (You should know that I am a closeted gay and I am out to only very close friends.) Most of the time I kept quite and all the talks were between my friend and this guy, who is by the way, little feminine too... Oh let me not get you wrong here, I have nothing against such guys. But I was feeling like the situation was indirectly presenting itself to let others know that I am gay too. Or this could all be my misconceptions, why should people think that I am gay just because I am with a slightly feminine, openly homosexual man?

Today my friend messaged me that this guy had invited us for his birthday bash which was happening at the same place. This could mean all his gay and lesbian friends to be there. But since my friend is busy with some other stuffs and it was not possible for him to attend, I also decided not to go. I really can't deal with the scene where I am surrounded by gay men and women, all by myself. Plus it was raining all day and I felt like not going outside. The roads will all be blocked and everywhere it will be muddy.

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