Sunday, February 8, 2009

Being Gay


Crazy Sam's Bloginess: Starbucks Cup Quote: My only regret about being gay is that I repressed it for so long. I surrendered my youth to the people I feared when I could have been out there loving someone. Don't make the mistake yourself. Life's too damn short. - Armistead Maupin

Many a times I have asked myself what if I were not born this way, what if I had only the usual feelings that a guy has to another. My life would have been different for sure, I would not have undergone many chapters of confusion and pain. I would not have felt the need to suppress my emotions. I would not have had to choose living a closeted life. In short, I could have been living a life much free of insecurities and confusions.

Crazy Sam's Bloginess: Handsome Face

During my school days, there was this boy whom I used to find really weird. He always behaved as if he were a girl. I found his feminine conducts not befitting to a male. I guess he was ignored by most of the boys and he had only girls for company. I too used to think low of him, used to look at him with contempt, even finding difficult to give a smile. My eight year old mind didn't want to understand him. Many years later, I realized I'm gay and the path towards that realization was very trying. I found myself asking questions unable to find answers. I felt like I was the only one feeling this attraction towards men and I couldn't find anyone to ask for help. Then through the internet I understood there are many who feel the same way and I also became aware that most of the people do not see gays as equal to them, often gays are looked down upon. I read many instances of homophobic attacks. I felt this was all very unfair.

That's when my mind spoke to me, "Now how do you feel when you are on the receiving side of this hatred and contempt!" I then realized what I did to that guy was also unfair. It was not his fault that he became transgendered, but people like him too deserves to live a life with dignity. But I admit that I'm still not ready to befriend them.

Being gay is not easy path for most of us because of our social setup. But we still travel that road no matter how bumpy it is. Would anyone pick hardship over easiness if given a choice? No. But we continue to be gay because it is not a choice. Living a gay life was not supposed to be hard, it was not supposed to be kept closeted. But it became that way, only because many people didn't want to accept differences which sowed seeds of hatred in their minds.

Crazy Sam's Bloginess: Guys Holding Hands

And I feel there is nothing to be proud about for being gay, just like what it is for being straight. But I will say being gay broke open the mold of closed-mindedness I was living in, it taught me to accept differences, it made me tolerant. And I believe that in return, it made me a better person.

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  • unsungpsalm February 8, 2009 at 11:24 PM

    I totally relate, Sam. Totally.

    It's nice to be special, but not always so to be "different".

  • TREY CRUZ February 11, 2009 at 1:06 AM

    I'm totally proud of who I am too. Been with the best guy of my life for the past 3 years.

  • Adi February 11, 2009 at 5:11 PM

    I can feel similar feelings as u Sam. Knew that I was different (but not abnormal) when I was 13. And ever since, future has been a "best to skip" question for me. Living life on my own terms (behind the closet). Will grapple with the future as and when it comes.

  • pepe M. February 12, 2009 at 3:59 PM

    ive been bullied so many times when i was a kid...but those 'bastards' are now my drinking buddies...its so nice how they have fully understood and tolerated me...

  • Reclaiming Natural Manhood August 18, 2010 at 1:44 PM

    When an Indian NGO conducted workshops with Indian men in the year 2000, (that was way before India was so completley heterosexualized/ Westernized), they asked the men if to identify a TV comedy serial character Dilruba, who was very effeminate, but chased women exclusively and had no interest in men whatsoever (the idea that male femininity is related with male desire for men, is a typically western idea, that had not quite set into the Indian psyche then) ... the male participants of the workshops identified the character Dilruba as 'homo,' never mind that he was only interested in women.

    When asked if they'd identify two normal (masculine, regular guys) who have sex exclusively with each other, who don't have sex with women, as 'homo,' the men, in each workshop, would say a firm 'no.'

    The moral of the story: "homosexual(ity)" is a western concept, which is invalid in the non-west. It's valid only in the westernized societies, which are artificially heterosexualized, and where the third genders are denied the 'third gender' identity. The concept of homosexuality is only viable when one negates the concept of 'gender orientation.' If you consider that there are three genders in a society, man, woman and the Hijra or third genders, then it just isn't practical to configure all the possible 'sexual identities.'

    Men who like men, just are not the same as third genders who like men. Men who like men do not want a separate identity from the other men. It's the western chakka/ Hijra (chakka doesn't only refer to eunuch, it refers to any male with a strong female idenitity), who originated the concept of a separate identity for men who like men, and they were actually looking for a separate identity for their feminine gender.

    That is why there is no such thing as 'homosexual' in any of the non-western societies, including India.

  • Reclaiming Natural Manhood August 18, 2010 at 1:47 PM

    And yes, there's further news to you!

    There's hardly a man on earth, if he is masculine gendered who doesn't feel attraction for men, and who doesn't know what it is to suppress one's feelings for men ... he may do it willingly and feel proud for suppressing his feelings and may expect others to do it too, and he may never acknowledge those feelings, because, only faggots (third gendered males) are expected to acknwoledge it ... however, most men are 'available' as long as you don't talk about it ... and they have more need for love and intimacy with men than the so-called 'homosexuals' will ever have! And their thing for men is much more qualitative than a queen's.

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